Stargate Atlantis: The Musical Musical, Season 3
by nightfynix
Summary: Ah, a completely singalongable version of the Musical. Watch our favorite characters struggle through lines, dash through conceptual sets, and battle hangovers by the dozen! Gather the popcorn and come along!
1. Prologue

HEY!!!!! And here you were all worried that it would be a LONG time before the next story came out! how dare you doubt our abilities to get out a chapter in a timely fashion... heh heh...

but... since its almost Christmas and this weekend is Hanukkah.. and since Season Three is halfway done, I thought it might be prudent to get this chapter out there... then we'll procrastinate... err, i mean work really hard to make Act 1 superb! I hope you all enjoy this Musical with as much laughter and spraying of liquids across computer screens as you all did the other two Musicals! This one is sure to be a hoot...

Seanait (_sings, loud tenor_): And now it's...!  
Nightpheonix (_hits on shoulder_): Shut up. Don't give it all away.  
Seanait: Fine...

* * *

**Stargate Atlantis: The Musical Musical – Season Three**

Noises were steadily erupting from the auditorium area of Atlantis. People walking past wondered what on Earth was going on!

The stage was covered in people dancing together. Nightpheonix was up there directing the dancers. Seanait hung off stage right watching. It was absolute craziness, but Nightpheonix was doing her best to control it. The piano played a kinda upbeat tune as a group of dancers… you could say "danced," but that's not exactly what was happening…

"AGAIN!" Nightpheonix shouted at the dancers. "Arabesque, prepare, pirouettes, and twirl! Goose step, goose step, waltz clog and kick! AGAIN! Arabesque, prepare, pirouettes and twirl and goose step, goose step, waltz clog and KICK!" She stumbled over to Seanait, who was watching the auditions in dismay. Nightpheonix became extremely frustrated with the "dancers."

"Arabesque, **prepare**, PIROUETTES AND TWIRL!!!"

It was time to stop this utter madness.

"HALT!" screamed Seanait at the top of her lungs. Just then, all the fifty-something dancers and singers started talking and singing very loudly.

"HALT!" Nightpheonix echoed.

"HALT!"

"HALT!"

"HALT!!!" they screamed at each other. No one was listening.

"SILENCE!" Nightpheonix shouted in French. It too had no effect. Unfortunately, both writers' notebooks were lying on the audition table some twenty feet offstage. So she tried once more. "SHUT!! UP!!!"

**That** got people's attention. They all shut up and stopped dancing around.

"Would the singing teams please wait off Stage LEFT! And the dancing teams off Stage RIGHT!" Seanait commanded loudly. Nightpheonix rolled her eyes in obvious relief.

"Thank you Shay," she said gratefully.

"No problem."

Sheppard, McKay, Teyla, Ronon, and Beckett all were peeking on stage to see what the hell was going on with their musical. The auditions showed them all that the writers were truly a force any fictional character would **not** want to deal with.

A fuming Nightpheonix saw their heads poking through the curtains nervously.

"John Sheppard! Come here!" she shouted across the stage. John knew that he'd been caught and meekly walked across the stage.

"The rest of you too!" Seanait added. The rest of them followed John's meekness.

"Yes?" they all chimed. This made the two writers a little happier.

"We're doing another musical."

"But we've already done a musical," Sheppard whined.

"Twice!" added McKay. Suddenly Weir appeared out of nowhere - she had a strange tendency of doing this.

"But this is the **musical** version of the Musical!" she said profoundly.

AT-1 stopped and blinked as did all the auditioners.

Weir sighed irritably. "The musical sung to songs from musicals!"

" Oooohhh!" they all exclaimed and nodded in understanding.

"Great. This means I'm going to have show tunes stuck in my head for the rest of my life," McKay groaned unhappily.

"Yep," Weir, Seanait, and Nightpheonix all said cheerfully. The team stopped and looked at the three females. They moved away slowly.

"Don't ever do that again… that was creepy!" Ronon proclaimed. A mousy little woman came up behind Seanait and tapped her on the shoulder.

"The singing auditions are waiting."

"Thank you Songwriter," Seanait answered. When Shay turned back around, the little mousy woman had disappeared – again breaking the laws of physics.

Nightpheonix took a name from a pile of cards and handed it Seanait.

"Jacques Lapidur?" she called and looked around. AT-1 looked as well; they knew no one named Jacques… "Jacques Lapidur?" Nightpheonix glanced at the card she had handed Seanait and whispered a quick correction.

Deadpan and disappointed, Seanait called out "Jack Lapidus." A man walked out. He was auditioning for a wraith; ClawHide Clan (BGWCP denomination), Kolya, and Lt. Ford. He was a heavy set man… white too.

Nightpheonix walked out to him. "So, what are you going to sing for us?" He suddenly looked all romantic.

"I will sing… 'A Wondering Minstrel, I.'" With that, he proceeded to squeak his voice and hum. Nightpheonix shared an 'oh-my-god' glance with Seanait.

"_Ah-a wondering minstrel, I, a thing of shreds and…_" he bowed down.

"NEXT!" everybody screamed.

"_patches!_" When Jack came up, his toupee came flying off. Seanait chose another card… this man was auditioning for Radek Zelenka.

"Can I have… Dr. Zelenka?" Seanait read, confused. He already had a part, of that the writers were sure.

Nightpheonix quickly checked the notebook and confirmed that this was so. McKay walked up to Zelenka, who had just walked on stage.

"Whadda doing?"

"Vhat do you mean Rodney?"

"You already have a part!"

Zelenka shrugged. "I vant to feel like I earned it."

"And… what if you don't make it?" Rodney asked pensively.

Zelenka looked at McKay like his nuclear reactor had gone off. "Of course I'll make it! It's my part!"

"Okay, whatever…" McKay slowly acquiesced and walked off. Nightpheonix took his place uncertainly.

"So uh Zelenka… whadda gonna sing for us?" she asked. He smiled broadly.

"The 'Little Vooden Boy!'"

Nightpheonix palm-faced and sighed. "Whatever tickles your fancy…"

Zelenka started into a little dance as the piano began play. He slid across the stage with his knees bent inward, like a rag doll. Zelenka was just about to open his mouth when Nightpheonix and Seanait had had enough.

"**NEXT**!"

* * *

(_plays opening title music_) lol, can any of you pick out what musical that lovely scene is from? oh... and the white thing about Jack wasn't supposed to be offensive, it just merely states how odd it would be to have a white man try out for a black man's role. that's all! 

hehe... soooo tell us what you think so far! maybe we'll get out Act 1 in a timely order... maybe... it'll probably come out before Season 3 starts up again at any rate! see you then!

Happy Holidays!


	2. Act 1

haHA! Welcome back to another thrilling adventure from Atlantis!

Sorry this one took four months... but at least now I'm pretty sure that all of you have seen at least th ebeginning half of season three... if you haven't, well, get a move on it!

Anyway, we're back now! Hopefully we'll get another act out to you all "soon" (speaking in Shay/NP time, which undoubtedly runs slower than normal time) Perhaps we'll even skip the Act 1, Sub A fiasco... after all, we've had sub-acts in the other two musicals... who knows! what i do know is that there's another chapter!!!! WOOT!

**me **- thanks for reviewing and i totally agree! the producers is definitely one of the best plays out there!!  
**atlantian** - what a beautiful poem! that's actually really good! thank you for your devotion and reviews!  
**EVS** - lol, we're glad we have you in complete supense! well, maybe not complete, but close enough, right?  
**BiteMeTechie** - hehe, you should see me and NP in school, endlessly quoting Mel Brooks! and the zelenka thing is hilarious!  
**flubber** - we're estatic that you like the musical so far! i hope we put other musicals "in the shade"! thanks a ton!  
**ismisesteph** - _(clinks beer glasses together)_ Brilliant! Thank you very much for the review! we're glad you enjoy the musicals!

Again, sorry for the wait, but you all know how RL (real life) goes! Thanks for putting up with us... if its one guarentee you guys have is that this musical WILL be done before season four starts... I don't think we're that behind, but hey, you never know!

And now... Act 1!

* * *

The curtains open and this time there's no fighting as to who will introduce the play. In fact, the entire team is standing out in the middle of an empty set, gazing speculatively at each other. 

Sheppard: Hey…

McKay: What…?

Sheppard: Did we ever find out whose idea it was to run an Atlantis musical?

Teyla: I assume it would have been the producers' idea.

McKay: You mean… **them**?!

Teyla: They're running the script, why not?

Sheppard: No, I don't think that's the case actually.

All: No?

Sheppard: No, I remember Ford smiling inanely every time this subject came up.

Ronon: Oh? I don't like Ford anymore.

McKay: You never liked Ford to begin with.

Ronon: Good point.

Sheppard, startled: Holy-!

Weir, offstage: Colonel!

Sheppard: That's all I was gonna say, I swear!

Weir grumbles.

Ronon: Will she always be hung-over?

McKay shrugs.

Sheppard: Anyway, as I was saying… where'd all those people come from?

McKay: What peo- holy cr-!

Weir, offstage: RODNEY!

McKay: cr--ud!

Weir, offstage: Thank you!

Teyla: I was not aware that we were starting already.

Sheppard, shrugs: Producers must have decided during the prologue.

McKay: OOH! Speaking of which, guess what?

All: What?

McKay: Zelenka didn't get a part!

All: WHAT!?

Ronon, snorts: How does that work?

McKay: He auditioned and didn't make it, how else?

Sheppard: Why the heck would he audition anyway?

Teyla: Did he not already have a part in the musical?

McKay: Oh, he did. That's the funny part. You'll see him later.

McKay grins manically.

Sheppard: **_Anyway_**! People of the audience, welcome to the Season Three Musical!

McKay: A.k.a. the "musical Musical."

Teyla: That name implies something…

Ronon: Something sinister…

Sheppard: Yes, yes it does young padawan.

All stroke chins and contemplate.

McKay: Hey, do you think we could stroke our chins pointlessly and fly the puddlebox?

All look enlightened.

Sheppard: OY! Where's my-?

The puddlebox tackles John. It's very excited to see him.

Sheppard, crooning: What? Was the closet mean to you? You're so cute! Yes you are… yes you are!

All back away.

McKay: Great, one season it's a hunk of malfunctioning cardboard, the next it's "all grown up" and now it's a puppy dog?

McKay rolls his eyes.

Teyla: That's ridiculous. John simply adores his puddlebox… as it does him…?

The puddlebox is leaving a visible drool mark on Sheppard's shirt.

Ronon: Okay… now **that** is a little odd.

Sheppard: We gonna fly or what?

McKay: Colonel, you're entirely too happy about this, but whatever.

They hop in.

Ronon: Hey Sheppard, you've redecorated. Very suave.

Sheppard: Thank you. Manila likes it too.

All: MANILA?!

Sheppard, very calmly: The puddlebox of course.

The puddlebox Manila glows happily.

McKay: Hey, wait a sec. This looks familiar…

Teyla: Rodney is correct; the paper lining you have used looks extremely familiar.

Ronon: That's because it's the script.

McKay: Why would that look familiar?

Silence.

Sheppard: He's got a point.

All stroke chins again and puddlebox lifts off.

Sheppard: Look! We're doing it!!! WOOHOO!

Teyla, Ronon, and McKay share frightened looks.

Teyla: Yes John, we're flying. This is nothing new.

McKay: Ronon, aren't you and I supposed to be trapped in some gooey substance.

Ronon: I don't know, why?

McKay: I got this sudden feeling, almost déjà vu... that we were supposed to be fighting for our miserable lives on some ship.

Ronon: Hell, I like it better here thanks.

Weir, offstage: RONON!

McKay, whispering: Heh, you sure about that?

Teyla: OMG! Everyone stop!

All stop, including audience. Time stops for everyone but Teyla. She hops out of the puddlebox and tumbles onto the ground.

Teyla: GO!

Ronon: Where's Teyla?

Sheppard: I dunno.

Teylam, calling out: Ronon said a swear!

The puddlebox quivers.

Sheppard and McKay, quietly: Oh no…

Manila drops like a rock.

Ronon: Crap.

Thud.

Teyla, giggling: You guys okay?

McKay: Damn it, Sheppard! If you keep this up, I won't be able to freaking stand!

Ronon: Perhaps for the better…

McKay: Oh ha ha. Let me up!

Sheppard: Can't… you're on top of me.

McKay: How do you figure? You're on top of me!

Beckett: Nope, that would be me.

Teyla: Hello Doctor Beckett. How timely of you.

Beckett: Thank ye love.

Sheppard: Where'd you ghost from? And get off of me!

Beckett: Sorry 'bout tha'.

McKay, miffed: Thank you.

Beckett: Anyway, every time you fools say a swear in the puddlebox, it gives me a call.

McKay: Wait a second… you're saying that all the other times we fell out of the box, you **knew** about it and you didn't come running?!

Beckett, shrugs: 'Fraid not.

Lucius: Hello again Atlantis! How good it is to see you all again!

All groan.

Lucius: What? You must need my presence, how could you resist me?

Ronon and McKay: Very easily.

Sheppard: With amazing ease.

Teyla opens her mouth and nothing comes out.

Lucius: Someone still appreciates me!

Teyla turns angrily at the men: Why must you guys ALWAYS steal all the good comebacks!

She stalks off.

Beckett: Wow.

Lucius: Man… she is hot.

Weir and Teyla return enforce. Teyla slaps him across the face with her magically appearing stick.

Lucius: Wow…!

Weir: Leave foo'.

Lucius has eyes only for Teyla and Weir.

Lucius: _I can show you the world,_

_Shining, shimmering, splendid._

_Tell me, ladies, now when did,_

_You last let your heart decide?_

Weir and Teyla are nonplussed. Lucius frowns and moves on to try and get Carson, Ronon, McKay, and Sheppard under his spell. The band keeps playing.

Lucius: _I can open your eyes,_

_Take you wonder by wonder!_

_Over, sideways and under,_

_And so what if I lied?_

He has no more success with the guys than he did with the girls. Nevertheless, he turns to the audience, an expression of enticing excitement on his face, and proceeds to belt out the chorus.

Lucius: _A whole new world,_

_A drugged, fantastic point of view!_

_No one will tell me no,_

_Or where to go,_

_Or say I'm just the baker._

Suddenly, a whole group of the women from Lucius' village come onstage, fawning and swooning around him. The team looks thoroughly shocked and disgusted and tries to shuffle as close to the edge of the stage as possible.

Village Women: _A whole new world,_

_A dazzling place we never knew!_

_But when he's around,_

_Our hearts pound,_

'_Cause now we're in a whole new world with you!_

Lucius: _Now you're in a whole new world with me…_

Village Women: _Unbelievable sights,_

_Indescribable feeling!_

_Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling,_

_Through an endless drugged-up high!_

Village Women: _A whole new world,_

Lucius turns to the team: _You won't dare stop me now!_

Village Women: _A hundred thousand things to see!_

Lucius, still taunting the team: _Obsession can't get stronger!_

Both:_ I'm like a shooting star_

_We've come so far_

Village Women:_ We can't go back to where we used to be._

Village Women: _A whole new world,_

Lucius: _You won't figure out how…_

Village Women: _With new horizons to pursue,_

Lucius: _Won't resist any longer_

_Village Women: We'll follow anywhere_

_Because we care_

_Let us share_

_This whole new world with you_

Village Women:_ A whole new world_

Lucius: _…A whole new world…_

Village Women: _That's where we'll be_

Lucius: _…where we we'll be…_

Village Women: _A thrilling chase!_

Lucius: _A wondrous place!_

Both groups: _For you and me_.

McKay: You know what sucks though?

Lucius, all smiles: What?

McKay: You don't have any more of the drug with you.

Sheppard: Busted!

Lucius: Yeah, great. I'll be the freaking superhero of my village though! Beat that!

McKay: I will in a few episodes.

All stare at Rodney.

McKay, blushing: Never mind…

Sheppard rolls his eyes and shuts at the ceiling.

Sheppard: Way to inflate his ego!

Seanait: What makes you think we did that?

Nightpheonix: Yeah, that wasn't us. We haven't even written that far in the future.

Teyla: The authors have a point John.

Sheppard: Doesn't mean I can't shout into the gray ceiling…

Teyla: You're ridiculous.

Ronon: One of the wraithopi must have sucked out a few of those brains of yours.

Wraithopus: Someone call?

All: NO!

Weir: He's got my beer! What the hell!?

Sheppard: Stephen, you little ungrateful… octopus!

All gasp.

Stephen: What did you call me!?

Weir dives onto the wraithopus Stephen and attempts to wrestle away the beer bottle. The two tussle all over the stage.

Sheppard: Um, you folks probably don't want to see this…

McKay: End Act 1!

Ronon: I got the curtains!

Stage crew member: Hey, don't you touch my curtains!

Ronon knocks him out and continues lowering the curtain.

Teyla: Ronon, watch your aim! Ronon! RONON!

She gets knocked out.

Sheppard and McKay step out of harm's way just in time only to trip, simultaneously, over Weir and the wraithopus.

Beckett attempts to crawl out from behind the curtain. He's all bruised up.

Beckett, weakly: Help…!

He's sucked back under as the lights flicker off.

Someone: Shit.

End Act 1!

* * *

Well? Love it, hate it? Need another one? I don't know... tell us SOMETHING! Please? _(puppy dog eyes)_

we need to know if y'all liked act 1 or not! okay? hope you enjoyed it!

4/5/07


	3. Act 2

_(french accent)_ Heelo agin our friendz! How are yoo doo-ingah? lol.. ok, enough of that! Hey, guess what?! It's only been two months since the last update... I think that's one of the fastest updates ever! We're gonna have to get a move on it before the next season begins though... it'll be done! lol

hey, school is OVER!!!! WOOHOO! no more finals or nada! we might actually get something done this summer! imagine that! lol

**nightpheonix** - lol, you don't count. but the review was funny! lol, thanks for this act!!!  
**SpaceMonkey0941** - hello! welcome! glad you found us! lol, i think its great that mom "politely asks" you if you're nuts, does this happen a lot? LOL! thanks!!!  
**flubber** - sorry about the ending of Act 1, but did you read Season 2 musical? thats where the wraithopus Stephen comes from! thanks for the review!!!

We love you guys... you reviewers! But... where have they all gone? has the sea monster at Atlantis eaten our reviewers here too? dang it, i thought that was confined to my account as seanait... nuts. But, those who remain, please enjoy the next lovely installment of Stargate Atlantis: The Musical Musical brought to you by your adoring hosts Nightpheonix and Seanait!

And finally _(drum roll), _let us introduce: **Act 2!** YAY!

* * *

Sheppard steps out in front of the curtain. He stands there…alone…cold…in the dark… 

Sheppard: Hello?

Echo: Hello…hello…hello…

Sheppard: Hunh. Where is everyone?

Ronon sticks his head out and sees John.

Ronon: Oh. _There_ you are.

Sheppard: Ronon! What happened? Where is everyone?

Beckett, from under the curtain: Help meeee…

Teyla: Curtain…crushing…my…spine…

Ronon rubs the back of his neck in a sheepish fashion: Yeah…those two kind of got trapped under the curtain.

Sheppard: So get back there and get it off of them!

Ronon laughs nervously: See, funny thing, I kind of knocked out the stage hand in charge of the curtains, and I think I might have broken them. I can't get them to rise.

Sheppard: Great. Well, at least it will be you, me, and our two other leads.

Ronon: Yeah, about that…

Sheppard: What? Well, what happened to Weir?

Ronon: She's off fighting with Stephen the Wraithopus. Probably winning. (_whispers_) He took her beer.

Sheppard: Ooh, he's a goner.

Ronon: Yep.

Both pause.

Sheppard: Zelenka?

Ronon: Didn't get a part.

Sheppard: Ford?

Ronon: Whacko.

Sheppard: Caldwell.

Ronon: Earth.

Sheppard: Kolya?

Ronon: Dead.

Sheppard: Authors?

Ronon: Crazy, busy, lazy, forgetful, or all of the above.

Sheppard: The _audience_?

Ronon: Got sick of waiting for an update.

Sheppard: Kavanaugh!

Ronon: Mysteriously written out of the show, probably assassinated.

Sheppard: Good point. What about McKay?

Ronon: Actually, I don't know where he is. As of now, we're the entire cast.

John has a shocking moment of reality. He stares dazed out into the empty theater. A mournful violin begins to play as an expression of intense emotional suffering crosses Sheppard's face. He opens his mouth to sing about his pain in a style only Broadway songs can pull off…

And then begins to cough. Needless to say, it ruins the moment.

Sheppard: Sorry, I was having a moment there.

Ronon: Yeah, the music gave it away.

Sheppard: Don't worry, I'm over it. There will be no singing as long as we're the only cast members.

Ronon: We're too manly to sing songs from sissy musicals!

Sheppard: Right!

They revel in their testosterone for a moment. Then Sheppard turns to Ronon, quite excited.

Sheppard: Hey! If we're the only ones here, that means that there are no Wraith, right?

Ronon: Right!

Sheppard: And you know what that means…

The two look at each other, and then break out into in a joyful tune from the Land of Oz. They link arms and begin to skip around in a circle, singing.

Sheppard and Ronon: _Ding-dong! The Wraith are dead!  
Which old Wraith? The nasty Wraith!  
Ding-dong, the nasty Wraith are dead!  
Come out, you scaredycats,  
Stop hiding, we don't need that,  
Come out, the nasty Wraith are dead!  
They're gone 'cause we shot 'em good,  
We would- we would - we would,  
Shoot more, but we're out of ammo, so reload and sing,  
Ding-dong, the merry-oh, shoot up high, shoot down low,  
Make damn sure those nasty Wraith are dead! _

They continue skipping around in circles, making Munchkin noises of glee and happiness. All of a sudden, McKay, Weir, Teyla and Beckett step out from behind the curtain. Weir is holding an empty bottle, and has stains on her shirt that look suspiciously like wraithopus blood. Teyla and Beckett both look significantly flattened. The four of them stare in shock at the two men frolicking.

Weir: Oh my God, I leave you two alone for ONE MINUTE…

The joyful prancing comes to a screeching halt. Both Ronon and Sheppard attempt to stutter out explanations.

Sheppard: Well, y'see, uh…

Ronon: What we really were doing was…

Sheppard: Uh…whales! Remember those whales?

Weir and Co. nod uneasily.

Sheppard: Well…That wasn't us singing…that was a ritual Ancient battle dance,… performed by people who look remarkably like Ronon and me,… that the whales remembered and are sending back to us to warn us about something!

Ronon: YEAH! Oh, nice cover up!

The two slap each other high fives. Meanwhile, the others walk off to the side to discuss this grave news.

Weir: The whales are back…

McKay: I hate whales.

Teyla: So what are the whales trying to warn us about this time?

Beckett: Well, the image we saw was of an Ancient battle dance…so maybe we're facing another Wraith attack.

Mysterious Offstage Voice: NO! It's something much more sinister!

All cower. Sheppard and Ronon exchange nervous glances. This hadn't been part of their cover up.

M.O.V.: You will be attacked by…

Rod and Jeannie step onstage.

M.O.V.: TWO MORE MCKAYS!

Weir, Teyla, Sheppard, Ronon, Beckett: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

They bolt offstage, leaving McKay alone with his sister and alternate self.

McKay, sarcastically: Oh, _thanks_, guys! Love you too!

Beckett: We can barely stand one of ye, Rodney. What makes you think we'll stick around for three _singing_ McKays?

Jeannie: Hi Merry.

She waves.

McKay, points emphatically at Rod: What are you doing with _him_?

Jeannie: Oh, Rod and I are great friends now. He's a better brother than _you_ are!

Rod: Buuuuuuuuurn!

McKay glowers and stews. Rod places a friendly hand on his shoulder.

Rod: Aww, Rodney, don't be angry! Hakuna matata, remember?

McKay: …what?

Rod: _Hakuna Matata!  
What a wonderful phrase!_

Jeannie: _Hakuna Matata!  
Ain't no passing craze._

Rod: _It means no worries  
For the rest of your days_

Both: _It's our problem-free philosophy  
Hakuna Matata!_

Rod:_ Hakuna Matata!_

McKay, disbelief: Hakuna Matata?

Rod: Yeah, it's my motto.

McKay: Your motto?

Rod: Yeah. What's-a-motto with that?!

McKay groans.

Jeannie: Those two words will solve all your problems. Learn to be more carefree!

Rod: That'sright. Take Jeannie here…  
_Why... when she was a young child_

Jeannie: _When I was a young child!_

Rod: spoken Very nice

Jeannie: spoken Thanks.

Rod: _She found that her looks lacked a certain appeal  
She could clear the café after ev'ry meal_

Jeannie: _I was a sensitive soul though I seemed controlled  
And it hurt that my friends never said anything!  
And, oh, the shame_

Rod:_ Oh, the shame!_

Jeannie: _Thought of changin' my game!_

Rod: _She thought of changing her game!_

Jeannie: _And I got downhearted_

Rod: _How did ya feel?_

Jeannie: _Ev'rytime that I..._

Rod, spoken: Hey, Jeannie! Not in front of the team!

Jeannie: Heh, sorry.

Rod sleekly slides offstage.

Jeannie and Sheppard: _Hakuna Matata!  
What a wonderful phrase  
Hakuna Matata!  
Ain't no passing craze_

Rod comes out dressed in black leather pants holding a microphone. He puts a little jazz spin on his next line.

Rod: _It means no worries for the rest of your days!_

All: _It's our problem-free philosophy  
Hakuna Matata!  
Hakuna Matata! Hakuna Matata!  
Hakuna Matata! Hakuna Matata!  
Hakuna Matata! Hakuna Matata!  
Hakuna Matata! Hakuna –_

Rod: _It means no worries for the rest of your days_

All: _It's our problem-free philosophy  
Hakuna Matata!_ repeat

Jeannie: I say "Hakuna"

Rod: I say "Matata."

Jeannie: Hakuna!

Rod: Matata!

The team cautiously walks back onstage. Finally, the singing was done.

McKay: Okay, okay, we sang, we danced, you laughed, now they can go home and I'm still your favorite McKay, right?

Sheppard: No way.

Ronon: We like her better than you.

Teyla: Heck, we like _him_ better than you.

McKay: Alright, that's it! Rod…I challenge you…to a DUEL!

Rod: Bring it!

McKay: You, me, balcony, dawn!

Rod: I'll be there!

Sheppard: Uh…guys, it's dawn now.

Everyone looks around.

McKay: No it's not…

Weir: This is a matinee show, how can it be dawn?

Sheppard: I'm not staying on stage until frigging dawn. (He yells offstage) BRING 'EM DAWN!

The famed Atlantis trichromatic sunrise backdrop unfolds. Sheppard looks very proud of himself.

Sheppard: It's dawn. Go do your thing, you two.

McKay and Rod: FIGHT TO THE DEATH!

They bolt offstage. The rest of the team stares after them, not sure how to react.

Beckett: I wonder which one of them will win.

Ronon: Maybe they'll both kill each other!

Teyla: Ronon! That was mean! ...and I kind of agree.

Jeannie: Wow…I thought you guys were a team.

Sheppard: Yeah, we're dysfunctional and we don't get along. It's part of our…charm!

Teyla: Actually, it just means we suck at getting stuff done.

A long, awkward pause.

Beckett: So…what now?

Teyla: I dunno, we should probably sing something.

Ronon: Screw that, I'm getting some lunch.

He walks offstage.

Jeannie: He might have the right idea, there. Knowing my brother and, er, my brother, they could be fighting for a while.

She sticks her fingers in her mouth and whistles. The two McKays run onstage, to demonstrate their fighting tactics. McKay pushes Rod a little. Rod leans backwards, regains his balance, and shoves McKay back. The two repeat the process a few more rounds, then bow, and run off to continue their fight on the balcony.

Sheppard: I see.

Teyla: Let us go join Ronon in the commissary and share embarrassing stories about McKay!

Jeannie: Yeah! I got a great one about Merideth getting shoved into a locker…!

They begin to walk offstage. However, Ronon walks back onstage.

Sheppard: Ronon! We were just going to join you and have lunch while telling embarrassing McKay stories.

Ronon: (grins in a silly manner) Wheeeeeee! The world is happy and sunshine and daisies!

All stop. That was bizarre. Where was the real Ronon? The Ronon currently onstage begins to burst into song.

Ronon: _I feel pretty,  
Oh so pretty,  
I feel pretty and witty and gaaaaay!_

Teyla, clearly surprised: I didn't know you swung that way.

Ronon shrugs and continues: _And I pity  
Any guy who isn't me today.  
I feel charming,  
Oh so charming,  
It's alarming how charming I feeeeeel!  
And so pretty,  
That I hardly can believe I'm real.  
See the pretty guy in that mirror there?  
Who can that attractive man be?  
Such a pretty gun,  
Such a pretty knife,  
Such a pretty scar,  
Such a pretty meeeeeeeeeeee!_

All stare at Ronon is shock at this sudden display of flamboyant narcissism.

Ronon: _I feel stunning_  
_And entrancing_  
_Feel like running_  
_And shooting for jooooooy!_  
_Now I feel_  
_Like finding a Wraith to destroy!_

He runs offstage. No one has ANY idea what to say. That pretty much killed the momentum of the act right there.

Sheppard: What was in his sandwich?

No one knows. It is a mystery…which may or may not be solved. Fortunately, one of the two McKay's stomps onstage. He actually looks kinda badass. The other one is not to be found.

Jeannie: Looks like the duel got nasty. Only one of the Rodneys is coming back.

Beckett: Yes, but how do we know if it's _our_ Rodney?

The scientist storms angrily over to the group. Sheppard sticks his leg into the McKay's path. He trips and falls flat on his face.

Sheppard: It's our McKay.

Jeannie: But what happened to Rod?

McKay stands up, shrugs, and makes a noncommittal noise. He points vaguely in the direction of the balcony. No one asks any further questions.

Beckett: Hey, it's the end of Act 2.

Teyla: And you know what that means…

All: INTERMISSION TIME!

Sheppard: C'mon, we'll hit the snack bar, and then go tell embarrassing McKay stories!

McKay: Yeah!

They walk offstage. As the curtain shakily closes, Rodney manages to sneak one last line in.

McKay: Wait…what?

End Act 2

* * *

Woohoo!!!! So...? Y'all liked it right???? We **really** want to know if people want to kill us or throw us a party! So, please review and do tell!

Happy No More School everyone! Have a great summer!


	4. Intermission

hello again our fantastic reviewers!!! hows life? my lovely partner in crime, nightpheonix, is out looking at colleges... this chapter is unchecked... but that makes it more fun, right?! lol... anyway, hope everyone's summer is going well. OH! I have awesome news for you all! there is now a **website** containing all things Musical!!!! it's at http://nightfynix(dot)tripod(dot)com

**SpaceMonkey0941** - whoa... that IS weird... maybe the movie and the fic just like each other! lol, thanks a bunch for reviewing!!!  
**eri** - LOL! a wraithopus as a cute little guy? hehe, i think of him as a blue, tenacled pile of... blue mush... whatever! glad you've enjoyed all!  
**atlantian** - ah, my friend! i adored your review! i'm very happy that you all won back your keyboards thru the use of Monty Python coconuts!!! lol!  
**lala** - hello, new reviewer! i'm glad you're enjoying the story! we shall keep writing 'til our fingers fall off!!! thanks a ton!  
**WiiWraith** - as for you. if you didn't notice, this is a parody. apparently, your reading skills are as sorry as your writing skills because you have no stories and my writers haven't disappeared, **I** am a writer you nit. if you bothered reading more, you'd see that all our reviews are glowing. So go back to your own dull rock and stay there cuz you dont deserve to be heard.  
**Zedpm** - HAKUNA MATATA! to you too! welcome to the story! lol, welcome on board the loonybin... heh, lucky you! ;)

_(sigh)_ i'm sorry for that unpleasant review lashing... i really needed to get that out...

anyway! Check out the website!!!! It's REALLY cool! (no joke!) it's all about the Musicals! If for some reason you can't get to all the updates will be there too!!!! all the songs to the Musicals are posted as well as some stories behind the craziness! Please go take a peek!

But most of all, enjoy the show!

* * *

Intermission! 

"So… that was pretty good!"

There was an assorted amount of "yeah"s and "sure"s. John tried to press his case as they all strolled into the "intermission lounge" – a lounge of many infamous scenes that have yet to become infamous.

"What I mean is people laughed, people cheered, right? It wasn't a complete failure."

Ronon plopped onto a pink sofa with a huge "pfttttt" at John. He proceeded to make his way through his Skittles bag and would constantly flick the yellow and green ones at Rodney.

The entire company followed Ronon's lead and plopped down, without ceremony, onto the nearest stationary object – which sometimes tended to be people. Everyone was so tired they just didn't care.

A loud crash happened outside the lounge door and everyone wearily turned their heads. A sudden burst of "ARGGGPHT!" followed the crash.

"Poor Stephen…" Rodney remarked, fishing the citrus Skittles out of his hair.

There was a very awkward silence for no reason. All sounds on stage died out as did the sounds in the lounge.

Then a sound came out of nowhere and caught everyone completely unawares.

"Indeed."

"PAH! Go away you! You're on the wrong set again!" McKay erupted. He almost made it to the door to catch a certain large black man with a golden tattoo. But the large black man was FAR superior to Rodney in matters of running and hiding.

"Sneaky little ninja jaffa…" McKay muttered under his breath. He sat down again. And there was another awkward silence.

_Tic, tic, tic, tic…tic, tic, tic, tic…_

John cocked his head towards the ticking noise and "hmmm"ed. He sat up.

"Snape, Snape, Severus Snape… Snape, Snape, Severus Snape…" he started quietly to himself.

"Snape, Snape, Severus Snape…"

"Dumbledore!"

"Snape, Snape, Severus Snape."

"Dumbledore!"

"Ron!"

"…Severus Snape…"

"Dumbledore!"

"Ron Weasley!"

"Hermione!"

"… Snape, Severus Snape…"

"Dumbledore!"

"Ron Weasley!"

"Hermione!"

"Harry Potter, ooh Harry Potter!"

The tune was so catchy that everyone in the room, except Ronon and Teyla, were singing some part. Ronon and Teyla wanted to edge for the door, but the Snape crowd was over there…

Even the two writers came out of nowhere and joined in. Sheppard was Snape, Rodney was Dumbledore, Beckett was attempting Ron, Chuck the gate man was Hermione, and the writers were Harry Potter.

"… We're singing our song, all day long at HOGWAAARTS!" Feeling much better and much more loved, everyone cheered. Rodney quickly followed up on the mysterious ticking noise… as someone recently pointed out to him, generally mysterious ticking noises were not good – especially not good on Atlantis.

"Hey! I found the source of the ticking noise! It's Kavanaugh with a pipe bomb!" Everyone started to cheer, but quickly realized that this was NOT good.

"Oh shit!" McKay yelled, "It's Kavanaugh with another bomb!"

Kavanaugh stood up menacingly with the bomb in one hand and the detonator in the other. He waved it about.

"I always knew you were a stupid git Kavanaugh! Only stuntmen and suicidists wave bombs around!" McKay yelled, genuinely angry at Kavanaugh's mistreatment of the bomb. Kavanaugh grinned with a crazy glint in his eyes and McKay suddenly had a flash of intuition.

"Oh… right…"

Ronon sidled over to the writers who were hudled in a corner angrily discussing Kavanaugh.

"We didn't write this ever!"

"The characters **have** to stop acting on free will! We write them in and out. If they are written out they need to stay _out_!" Seanait hissed.

"Freaking free will… god this sucks. What do you want Ronon?" Nightpheonix snapped.

"Write him out… again." The writers looked at him, helpless.

"He's got our books… and pencils," Shay answered.

"Although…" Nighpheonix said with an evil look. "Ronon, got something to write with? Anything at all will do!"

"What for?" both Ronon and Shay asked at the same time.

"This doesn't have to be permanent right now. We just need him to be gone long enough for us to be gone. Comprende?"

"Ah, si."

Within seconds of crude scratching on the floor, Kavanaugh started phasing in and out.

"RUN!" shouted AT-1. Everybody went tearing down the hallway to safe… no safe**-r** refuge of the stage.

Okay, maybe not so safe. Weir was standing there, dripping wet and looking very… haughty. She vaguely reminded McKay of Laura the Tomb Raider girl… not a bad thing if you asked him…

"Look, you're all just in time for Act Three. You have impeccable timing. Well, let's go! The audience doesn't like to see babbling idiots!"

She turned on her heels and left. The group stared in awe, terror, and sheer confusion. No one could decide whether which was going to be worse: completely wasted Weir or "I'm-better-than-you" Weir.

"Let's go! Time's wasting!" Weir snapped in a cold voice. It was a command you ignored if you wanted your life to be forfeit.

But God, what the hell?

Just before obeying the All-Mighty Weir, Sheppard glanced up at the ceiling and asked a simple question to the Powers That Be.

"Why? Why me?"

"SHEPPARD!"

"…coming…"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Back in the lounge, Kavanaugh stopped phasing in and out. He looked at the pipe bomb speculatively.

"Voldemort, Voldemort, ooh, Volde-, Volde-, Volde-, Voldemort!"

And he disappeared.

* * *

soooo... did you all get it? if not, go to YouTube and type in "the mysterious ticking noise" or "Potter Puppet Pals" and look for the puppet skit labeled "The Mysterious Ticking Noise" - you'll love it! 

those who get it, did ya like it???? PLEASE tell us! you know we love to know what you all think!!!

and don't forget the website: http://nightfynix(dot)tripod(dot)com!

8/02/07


	5. Act 3

hey everyone! really really sorry about the wait... but my partner-in-crime nightpheonix decided that college was more important than Atlantis... a shame... :) But at any rate, we have the next act done too, so you shouldn't have to wait too long for Act 4! How about that?

**Athena's Owl** - hey! welcome to the craziness!!! and the fact that you got ur entire homeroom to do the puppet thing is AWESOME! yay!!! thanks a ton!  
**atlantian** - o0 - that smily rocks! i know... can u imagine if the characters got loose with all we've done to them??? yikes... it is hard tho...  
**fififolle** - i missed u! lol, now that u've seen the potter puppet pals, u can start to understand our screwy minds! the intermission ice cream was yummy...  
**flubber** - NO INTERNET?! (_hugs you_) you poor thing... we're glad we could make you smile! lol, i loved the teal'c moment, it made me happy... hehe  
**sparklyshimmer2010** - hey! you finally got ur chapter! yay! you approve of our weir drunkness/high and mighty? sweet! thanks for reviewing!

yay our loyal reviewers!!! love you guys! and you'll get Act 4 soon! we think you'll love it!!!! and again, sorry for the ridiculously long wait!

Nightpheonix: It wasn't **that** long!  
Seanait: (_glares_)  
NP: Okay... maybe it **was** a bit long... but it's a good act!  
Shay: Shh! No spoilers!

and now (_drum roll_) onto Act Three!

* * *

Weir comes out on stage and looks VERY uppity. The rest of the team cowers behind her. 

Weir, brandishing script: I do not approve. **We** are **not** amused!

McKay, whispering: _We?_

Sheppard: Shh!

Weir glares.

Weir: I hereby decree that the songs shall be sung in order of theme!

She pauses with the script uplifted triumphantly and then drops in a dead faint – with a resounding thud.

AT-1 looks around nervously and precedes pokes her. She groans. Beckett appears.

Beckett: Ta da!

McKay looks up, very confused.

McKay: Hey… aren't you dead?

Beckett: Nope. We're doing this in order of themes now, not chronologically.

Beckett shrugs and drags Weir to stage left.

McKay, squints: Oooo-kay.

Awkward pause.

McKay: So…_themes_.

Ronon: Yup.

Sheppard: Yup.

Teyla: Yup.

McKay: What's the theme for this Act?

Seanait and Nighpheonix pop in: INSANITY!

They then disappear, laughing maniacally, leaving the team looking very concerned. Were they fated to all go crazy in this act? Then again, would that make it different from any other act?

Ronon, suddenly inspired: Let's go offworld.

McKay: WHAT? Now? Are you crazy?

Ronon shrugs: Well, yeah, it's the theme of the act…

Sheppard: Good call, Ronon! (he yells backstage) MANILA!

Trumpets blare. The puddlebox zooms in and tackles Sheppard.

McKay: Manila… what are you doing here?

Teyla: If we are going on a mission, we need transport.

Sheppard: That…but mostly, she's just here to adore me!

Manila purrs.

Manila: Yes I am, hottie.

Sheppard: Of course you are.

They embrace.

Teyla: Wait… **it** can talk?

Manila, offended: Yeah, **it** can also sing.

The band strikes up a chord or two in a very "big band" sort of way.

Sheppard: _Why this jumper's automatic,  
It's systematic,  
She's hydromatic  
Why it's the puddlebox! (Manila!)_

Manila: _We'll get some shiny new crystals and four new drones, oh yeah.  
_Sheppard: Keep talking, whoa keep talking!  
Manila: _Hyperdrive engines and chrome plated beams, oh yeah_  
McKay: I'll get her ready, I'll kill to get her ready!  
Manila: _With the eight speed to the floor, Wraith''ll be waiting at the door  
You know that ain't no rest, we'll be puttin' on our best  
In Manila!_  
All: Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Sheppard: _Go Manila, you're burning up the galaxy!_  
All: _Go Manila, go go Manila!_  
Sheppard: _Go Manila, you're coasting through the Pegasus!_  
All: _Go Manila, go go Manila!_  
Sheppard: _You are supreme! _

All: Uh uh!

Sheppard: _The chicks'll scream,_

All: Uh uh!

Sheppard: _For my Manila!_  
All: Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Manila: _We'll get some purple hued taillights and some thirty inch fins, oh yeah_!

All: _Oooh, ooh, ooooh, oo, ooh, ooooh, ooh, oooh!_  
Manila: _We'll update my dashboard and fuel converter, yeah!  
With new plasma, plugs and shocks, I can get off in the air,  
You know that I ain't bragging, I'm a real happy wagon.  
_All: _Manila!_

Sheppard: _Go Manila, you're burning up the galaxy!_  
All: _Go Manila, go go Manila!_  
Sheppard: _Go Manila, you're coasting through the Pegasus!_  
All: _Go Manila, go go Manila!_  
Sheppard: _You are supreme!_

All: Uh uh!

Sheppard: _The chicks'll scream,_

All: Uh uh!

Sheppard: _For Manila!_

At this point, Sheppard comes out with an electric guitar and starts reaming away to his Manila. A few seconds later everyone joins in at the clapping part.

McKay, bouncing: This is fun!

Teyla growls.

Sheppard: _Go Manila, you're burning up the galaxy!_  
All: _Go Manila, go go Manila!_  
Sheppard: _Go Manila, you're coasting through the Pegasus!_  
All: _Go Manila, go go Manila!_  
Sheppard: _You are supreme!_

All: Uh uh!  
Sheppard: _The chicks'll scream,  
_All: Uh uh!  
Sheppard: _For Manila!  
_All: _Manila, Manila, Manila!  
__Puddlebox, puddlebox, puddlebox, puddlebox  
__Manila!_

Sheppard: Yeehaw!

Manila purrs and they hug again. Sheppard spends time fawning over and stroking Manila contentedly. Occasionally he pauses to croon to her.

Sheppard: That's my girl… yes you are, yes you are.

McKay: … what? What just happened?

Ronon, amused: I do believe Sheppard has a new girlfriend.

McKay: That can't happen in my perfectly logical physics-oriented world!

McKay starts to hyperventilate.

McKay: Man and puddlebox… Can. Not. BREED!

Ronon: Take it easy McKay… I think physics in Atlantis are a bit different from Earth. You know that.

McKay looks up.

McKay: Yeah, good point.

He takes a look over at Sheppard again. He shudders.

Ronon, weirded out a bit: Hey, as long as he's happy…

They two start to walk away when they notice Teyla behind them.

McKay: Teyla? Hello?

She is bright red with steam pouring out her ears.

Ronon: Well this can't be good. Teyla… hello?

Ronon waves his hand in front of her face and Teyla snags it. She is staring at Sheppard and Manila intently.

Ronon: Ok Teyla, let go. Let go of my hand... ow… Teyla!

He tries to jerk it away.

Teyla, fuming: I've been upstaged by a BOX!

Suddenly, Teyla lets go of Ronon and starts tapping her fingers together like a maniacal fiend.

Teyla: I must plot my revenge… muahahaha…

She walks off. Ronon and McKay watch in horror.

McKay, calling: Sheppard, Teyla's gonna kill you!

Sheppard raises a hand in acknowledgement and continues fawning over Manila.

The two men sit there not really sure what to do.

Ronon: So…now what?

McKay: I don't know… I don't even have my laptop.

The two slump to the ground.

Ronon: Well this sucks.

They wait and sigh in boredom.

McKay: Almost makes you wish for the madness.

Ronon: Madness?

He stands up.

Ronon: THIS! IS! STARGAAAAAAATE!

McKay is still sitting, preventing Ronon from doing the full-on '300' chest-kick, but he contents himself by booting McKay in the ass. McKay topples into a pile of stage equipment, causing a jungle backdrop to clump down from the rafters. Ronon looks at the backdrop, quite pleased that he has caused a change of scenery. Sheppard gets up and approaches Ronon and a wincing McKay.

Sheppard: Now it's _really_ time for the mission! Off we go, into the wild blue yonder! (calling backstage) TEYLA!

Teyla comes out looking irritable. They all hop into the pudlebox and take off into the "jungle." After a couple of laps around the auditorium, Manila sets down and lets everyone, but Teyla, off without incident. As Teyla has one foot off the ground, Manila takes off just a few inches off the ground. It is enough for Teyla to lose her center of balance, and flips out of the box, landing on the stage with a resounding thud. She hops up and turns to confront the box, but Manila quickly lands, hiding all evidence of her trickery.

Teyla: You sorry excuse for a puddlejumper!

Manila innocently beeps once and shuts off. In response, Teyla kicks the box. It slides across the stage, and lets out a pitiful "wooooooop."

Sheppard, nervously: Hey, let's go find stuff… now.

Ronon: You're leaving your girlfriend alone with an angry Teyla.

Sheppard: Better her than me, let's move.

Sheppard pushes Ronon and McKay off into the brush to escape the unavoidable catfight. They hide.

McKay, whispers: Man, that's gonna be ground zero when it all goes down.

The girls have a standoff.

Teyla: Okay, bleep. Let's do this!

Manila: Okay chica, what the bleep do what want? You think you can best this shizzle?

Teyla: **Any** day, bleeper!

Ronon: Why are they saying "bleep?"

McKay: On Earth, bleep is the sound made to censor a swear…

Ronon, clearly confused: So they're censoring themselves…?

Teyla: Yes, because if you were to hear the words we wanted to use, you pitiful male minds would explode from shock.

John has heard enough.

Sheppard: Run… RUN!

The men take off. Teyla and Manila step offstage. The backdrop begins to scroll left-to-right and the men all begin running on a treadmill, giving the illusion of rapidly changing scenery. McKay is first in line, followed by Sheppard and Ronon. McKay takes a life-signs detector out of his pocket. It begins beeping.

McKay, suddenly: Hey!

He stops in the middle of the treadmill, slamming back into Sheppard, who in turn knocks Ronon over. They fly off the treadmill in a pile. McKay hops up, still brandishing the life signs detector.

McKay: Something's giving off EM pulses. Over here…

He wanders over to the left side of the stage, where there is a device that looks like s cross between a vacuum cleaner and a helicopter.

Sheppard, standing up: Is that safe?

McKay: Depends…

Ronon and Sheppard, sarcastically: Great.

McKay: Ooh! Look! Buttons!!

Ronon: It looks awfully Wraith-y.

McKay pokes a button and the machine lights up and starts to whir.

Sheppard: Now why would you do that?

McKay, bouncing: Because I can… because I'm me! Look at this!

A burst of light shoots out and the men all faint.

Ronon: Hey wait… that doesn't happen in the episode…

Weir, Seanait, and Nightpheonix: Shut up!

Ronon whimpers: Okay…

He takes his place with the others on the ground.

Stage crew members drag the unconscious bodies off of stage left. Meanwhile, Teyla is still standing off with Manila. Nothing much has changed with those two.

Manilla: Well so's your _momma_!

Teyla: Well, _your_ momma…

She trails off as she hears voices coming from stage left… er, the underbrush.

Teyla: Hello?

McKay sprints across the stage, covering his head with his hands, yelling.

McKay: AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH, I'TS GONNA BLOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW!

Teyla begins to run after McKay, fearing an explosion, until Sheppard, Ronon and Beckett stumble in, all squabbling in their own little worlds

Ronon, pointing at Sheppard: Look! A Wraith! Get him!!

Sheppard, pointing at Beckett: Look! An Iraqi! Get him!

Teyla, very confused: Beckett? You weren't here-

Beckett, pointing at a tree: Hey… why aren't you dead? Call a medic!

Sheppard runs at Teyla babbling nonsense about the Gulf War.

Teyla looks at Manila with exasperation, their differences reconciled now that they have both come to the realization that men are whacko and shouldn't be bothered about.

Teyla: Oh… another Wraith device…

They sigh. Teyla begins a well-known Disney song.

Teyla: _You think I'm an arrogant captain  
And you've been so far gone  
I guess it must be so  
But still I cannot hear  
All the things you seem to fear  
How can the wraith influence you all so?  
You all so... _

You think you're back fighting in the Gulf War,  
The forest has gone away from you  
But I know Ronon's out there to kill us  
And for that, you should recover soon.  
  
Ronon: _I see the only person is Teyla  
And she is being carried by a Wraith  
But somehow I can see that this is wrong  
But I'm too hyped up to see it through!_

McKay: _Have you ever seen a reactor blow so soon?_

Beckett: _Or ever seen a living-dead person?_  
Sheppard: _Can you make my hallucinations weaker?_  
Teyla: _Can you see through all the colors of your mind?  
Can you think through all the colors of your mind?  
_  
Beckett: _Come watch me try to save a dead man_.  
McKay: _Come see me try to save the world _

Ronon: _Come watch as I try shooting Sheppard  
And for once, never wonder what he's worth_.

Teyla:_ The device and their memories are their killers  
McKay and Ronon were once friends_

_But yet Sheppard has shot them all  
In a leg, or an arm, or just for fun _

How high will they all get?  
If you turn it off, then we'll never know  
And you'll never see Beckett with a dead man

Or Rodney throwing himself to the ground  
We need make their visions weaker  
They need to think through all the colors of their minds. 

All: _You can chase a wraith and still  
All you've shot is John until  
We can see through all the colors of our minds._

Teyla: Now…what'd you press, Rodney?

McKay: Uh what?

Teyla: Buttons? Lights? Shiny things?

McKay: Right… over here.

McKay leads Teyla to the reactor-machine thing with the bright lights and many buttons. She starts to whack it violently with her sticks until she hits the right combination of buttons.

The machine stops working and sputters out of existence. McKay blinks, coming out of his hallucinating trance.

McKay: …hi?

He looks at the wreckage.

McKay: I guess that's one way to fix things… let's go.

Teyla and McKay get back to see Beckett, Ronon, and Sheppard on the ground, moaning.

Teyla, rolls eyes: Manila, I need your help. Could you scoop these nutters up and let's go.

Manila obliges and Teyla and McKay jump in after and land on the soft cushioning of bodies. They zoom back off to Atlantis.

McKay: Hey look, the gate's back up… but I don't think we're gonna make it through this time. DUCK!

They all duck and cover as Manila skids through the stargate and does an impressive slide on the floor.

Teyla: Very nice. Let's go boys.

She physically drags them out of the box and dumps them on the floor.

Weir: Where **have** you been!

All: Uh…

Weir: Wait… you're imposters! You must be! Arrest them!

The guards sort of comply. They make a good attempt at least.

Guard 1: Sorry colonel.

Sheppard: Whatever… just don't cuff us.

McKay: Yeah, that hurts.

Weir: SHUT UP!

Everything falls silent… even the crickets.

Weir puts her head in her hands and stumbles to stage right and sits down.

Weir: I can't believe I have to present tomorrow… god…

Sheppard: Present what?

Teyla, Ronon, and McKay: Shh!

Sheppard, whispering: I want to know what's going on this time…

Weir: A case in Africa to the UN. General O'Neill's going to be there.

The team's eyes widen.

McKay: Okay, she's lost it.

Sheppard: Completely and utterly.

Weir: Shut UP!

Ronon: No.

Teyla, hushed: Ronon!

Weir: What did you say, fiend?

Ronon: You're on Atlantis, remember?

Sheppard: You left Earth and the UN three years ago.

Weir: No, O'Neill said that was all a dream… all a dream…

She starts to mumble to herself.

Sheppard to Guards: Let's go watch this little episode of hers…

Guards: Okay.

They let the team go and they scurry off stage to watch this.

Weir: I see black shapes moving around… no, no! They can't be people! I'm losing my mind. God no… why am I in here? Why am I here? What's my purpose in life?

Everyone cocks an eyebrow to this question. Weir may have been drunk and hung-over a lot, but never crazy.

Weir: I'm in no shape to talk to the UN.

Sheppard: That's saying a lot… she's telling us she's crazy inside her own crazy mind. Weird.

Nightpheonix: Heh, she's putting the "Weir" into "weird"!

Seanait: That was awful.

Nightpheonix: It was funny and you know it.

Sheppard: Shut up, she's gonna sing!

Weir walks into an empty conceptual set, perhaps representative of her mind. A lone spotlight spots her. The team scurries off into the audience to watch Weir's breakdown and listen to her sing. The short, but pretty piano solo filters in through the conceptual-ness. The whole scene seems rather… surreal. A fan is gently blowing the hair out of Weir's face, noisily.

Weir:_ Daylight.  
See my life be denied truth,  
__Like a rose that is fading,  
Roses whither away,  
I remember,  
I yearn to see Atlantis again,  
I am waiting for my day . . ._

Audience member: We can't hear you!

McKay: Turn off the fan Lizbeth!

Weir snarls at them, but she ain't starting over.

Weir: _Midnight.  
Not a sound from the loonybin.  
Have I dreamed up these memories?  
I am helpless alone,  
In the nightmares,  
Some random people haunt my room.  
And I begin to moan.  
_

_Memories,  
How precious are memories?  
I can't smile at the old days;  
I can't remember them.  
I remember the times I knew right where I was.  
Let those memories live again. _

Every doctor,  
Seems to be,  
_A fatalistic warning.  
Someone mutters,  
And my mind does shudder,  
And soon my drugs will come. _

Daylight,  
I can't talk for the UN.  
_I must think of my old life  
And I mustn't give in.  
When the drugs come,  
They will be a memory too,  
And a new day will begin. _

Something tells me to escape this false life,  
The stale cold smell of Atlantis.  
The memories die, another night is over  
Another day is dawning. 

Sheppard:_ Trust me.  
It's so easy to leave me  
All alone with your memories,  
Of your days on the sea.  
If I touch you,  
You'll understand what reality is._

Weir turns to see that Sheppard has his hand on her shoulder.  
Weir: _Look, my old life has returned._

She collapses and awakes to see her crew gathered around her, worried.

Beckett: Will she be okay?

Nightpheonix: Yeah, it's time for a break with the drunken-Weir jokes.

Seanait: Funny as they may be, we only have her for one more season.

All: …what?

Nightpheonix and Seanait: SEASON 4 SPOILERS!

They run. The teams stares after the writers, confused. However, they are distracted by their confusion by Weir reawakening.

Beckett: Hey Lizbeth, welcome back.

Weir: Welcome back from where?

Sheppard: She's good.

All: Yup.

Weir looks very confused.

McKay: No more drinking…

Teyla: Or partying.

Ronon: No more "high and mighty" routine…

Sheppard: And no more battling with Stephen the Wraithopus.

Weir, squeaks: Okay…?

Beckett: You'll be alright in no time.

Weir, bewildered: Okay…

She clearly, and ironically, has no memory of anything, perhaps even leading back through the past musicals.

Everyone leaves except Beckett and Ronon.

Beckett walks up to Ronon: Hey.

Ronon: Hey.

Beckett: We're doing acts by theme now, right?

Ronon: Right.

Beckett: And the theme of this act was going crazy, right?

Ronon: Right.

Beckett: So how did Manila's song fit in there?

Ronon: It didn't.

Beckett: … Oh… okay.

Ronon walks off stage and leaves Beckett behind. Beckett waves cheerfully at the audience.

Beckett: Right. Beam me up Scotty!

And he gets beamed out.

McKay: Wrong show!

Kirk: Oh yeah? Then tell me why Q is in the NID, Miles O'Brian is the leader of the Genii, and Trip is a Wraith turned into a human!

McKay: …How'd you get here?

Kirk smiles knowingly.

Kirk: Beam me up, Scotty!

He also disappears in a beam of light. McKay blinks, confused.

* * *

well??? you like or no like? we REALLY hope you liked it!

please review!!! we love you guys!

11/9/07


	6. Act 4

heyo! wazzup?! see, i told ya we'd get this up soon!!! aint we good? lol. because i'm so happy about all this, let's have another iFeast! we havent had an iFeast party in a while... hey, so this could be another Thanksgiving! an iThanksgiving with eTurkey! (as if you didnt have enough on Thursday!) anyways, i hope all of your Thanksgivings were good and full of turkey, cranberries, mashed potatoes, and pies!

**atlantian** - wow, that was a nutty review... and a wet newspaper sounds painful! thanks for your lovely if not crazy review!!!  
**musik-luvr** - hey! "crazyly" eh? we can deal with being crazyly! thats pretty awesome! glad you like the story so much!  
**SpaceMonkey0941** - oh yes, we have a Trip ref... we love connor trinneer!!! we were trying for a reference from all the Treks... thanks!!!  
**sparklyshimmer2010** - yeah, we're being slightly out of order, but whatever... what's eri? anyway, happy that you enjoyed the story!  
**Athena's Owl** - thanks for the review!!! as for songs; we already did "Under Pressure" and we would only be able to use "Circle of Life" and "On My Own" for this one!

thanks to all of you!!! i think this is most reviewers we've had in a while... and your reviews were nice and long... and helpful!!! love you guys! (_hugs_) again, hope your Thanksgiving (or w/e) was yummy, enjoy the iThanksgiving, and welcome to Act 4!!

* * *

The curtain goes up to show the crew milling about the stage. Weir is still in Beckett's undead care. 

McKay: Woohoo!

Sheppard: What?

McKay: I just realized… this is the last act before the disclaimers! Then we can go home!

Ronon: Seriously?

Teyla: Well it **is** Act Four.

Silence reigns.

All: YES!

Seanait: Ahem…

Nightpheonix: Yeah… about that…

All: About what?

Sheppard: No. That was our contract – four acts, a prologue, and an ending.

McKay: … roughly…

Sheppard: Roughly.

Nightpheonix: Contract?

Seanait, confused: What contract?

Nightpheonix: You people are fictional, you don't have a contract.

Seanait: And as for you John Sheppard, if you keep acting out of line, we're gonna have to restrain you.

The two cackle.

McKay: Ok… that's frightening.

Ronon: So… what are you going to have us do?

Seanait: Um… six acts all together.

All: SIX?!

Nightpheonix: Don't worry, only this act has five songs.

Teyla: Five songs?

They nervously gulp at the same time.

Seanait: Hey, that was cool!

Nightpheonix: Do it again!

They, again, all gulp at the same time.

Sheppard: Okay, this can't be good. They can now command us without writing anything?

McKay: Oh dear…

He pales.

Nightpheonix: Anyway… we have so many great songs left over and since Weir decided that this was gonna be done by theme, we didn't know where to put them!

Seanait: But we can tell you this… it is going to be great!

They giggle together and walk off stage.

Ronon: Whenever those two say something is "great," it's **never** a good sign.

Teyla, Sheppard, McKay: Amen to that!

Sheppard: Okay, I think the next question to be asked is what's the theme this act?

Weir pops out of nowhere, like usual.

Weir: The theme this act is alien species… more specifically alien species that have tried to take us over.

Sheppard: Elizabeth…? Are you… okay?

Beckett: She's as right as rain! …Although, who am I to decide whether rain is right or wrong? Hmm…

Beckett ponders this while strolling off stage.

McKay, shouting: So she's not drunk, hung over, impetuous or anything?

Beckett, shouting back: Nope! She's good!

Teyla: Doctor! Don't go that way! There's equipment--

_Crash!_

Teyla: Lying on the floor…

Beckett, on stage left: Thanks…

Weir: So… back to the act.

Sheppard: Umm… okay then. Back to the act!

Ronon: Ah, he's a doctor. He can fix himself up, right?

All: Right!

Teyla: Alien incursionists, eh?

Sheppard: I don't think "incursionist" is a word.

Ronon, settling the matter: It is in Pegasus.

Sheppard: Okay then.

McKay: Which aliens are appearing?

Weir: Lemme check the roster.

She walks off stage, grabs a clipboard and starts calling roll call.

Weir: Michael?

Michael: Here!

Weir: Good… check. Kolya and the Genii?

Kolya and the Genii: Here ma'am!

Weir: Check… McKay?

McKay: Do I have to be here?

Weir, sharply: Yes.

McKay: …here…

Weir: Good. And… the Ancients?

Heavenly music interludes quickly.

Ancients: Here!

Weir: Check! There you have it.

Teyla: Wow… she's organized.

Weir: Thank you Teyla. Now that I'm within my own mind, we're good.

She waltzes off stage.

McKay: She went with the "we" again.

Ronon: Let's just hope she meant "we" as in the general populace.

Sheppard: Yes, let's go with that.

Teyla: Ok, step one of a mission, find one.

Sheppard: Good thing I already have one in mind.

Ronon: Step two: find transportation.

Manila comes flying out and tackles Sheppard again.

McKay: Step three: go?

They all hop in the puddlebox and she takes them to a village.

McKay: Hey look, a village. I bet Michael's here trying to create a genetic experiment using Aritus bugs.

Sheppard: And I bet he's removed the control crystals from the DHD.

Teyla and Ronon remove the cover of the DHD.

Ronon, dryly: Surprise, surprise.

Teyla: I guess we're just going to have to find him and risk being attacked by one of his buggy things.

McKay: "Buggy things?"

Teyla: Can it McKay.

They descend into the bowels of the village and find Genii-like tunnels. They hear manical cackling behind a steel door and they blow the door up.

All: Michael?

Michael: Yes. It is I and welcome… to my little shop of horrors!

McKay lowers his gun: Oh come on, that's so overplayed!

But to no avail… the music begins. The drums start rolling. One of Michael's experiments walks in through the door and begins to talk.

Experiment One: On the twenty-third day of the month of September,  
in an early year of a decade not too long before our own,  
the Atlantean team suddenly encountered a deadly threat to its very existence.  
And this terrifying enemy surfaced, as such enemies often do,  
in the seemingly most innocent and unlikely of places.

Sheppard: Oh my God…

Ronon: …wow…

McKay: It talks?

Teyla: Shush!

The piano starts up in true Broadway fashion with trumpets blaring. Michael starts to dance around.

Michael: _It's my little shop, little shop o' horrors.  
Little shop, little shop o' terror.  
Call a cop. My little shop o' horrors.  
_Experiments: _No, oh, oh, no-oh!_

Michael: _My little shop, little shop o' horrors.  
Bop sh'bop, little shop o' terror.  
Watch you drop! Little shop o' horrors!_  
Experiments: _No, oh, oh, no-oh!_

Teyla: _Shing-a-ling, what a creepy thing  
to be happening!_  
Michael: _Shang-a-lang, feel the blood  
and scare in the air._

Experiment Two: _Sha-la-la, stop right where you are.  
Don't you move a thing._  
Michael and Experiments: _You better, tellin' you, you better  
Tell your commander somethin's gonna get her!  
She better, ev'rybody better,  
Beware!_

All the experiments and the Aritus bugs in their cages are dancing by this time.

Michael: _My little shop, little shop o' horrors.  
Bop sh-bop, I'll never stop the terror.  
In the little shop, my little shop o' horrors.  
No, oh, oh, no, oh, oh, no, oh, oh, no! _

The experiments all meekly file out of the room and back to their eggs. Michael looks serious again.

McKay bursts out laughing.

Team: McKay! SHHH!

McKay: I'm sorry! I just can't take you seriously anymore!

Only McKay's dying laughter fills the air as the team wonders what Michael will do to them.

Sheppard snickers.

Sheppard: He's right you know. That was ridiculous.

Ronon and Teyla hide grins behind their hands. Michael looks kinda helpless. All of his credibility has been washed down the drain. He pulls a weapon on them.

Michael: HA!

Sheppard: Where'd **that** come from?

Michael: Well… you don't wanna know.

Team: Ew!

Michael: Okay, now I'm gonna fly my Dart away and leave you all stranded here forever!

McKay, dryly: Jee, all that needed was a good "mhahaha!"

Michael glares at him.

Sheppard: Not if I beat you too it!

Michael: Fine, I'll race ya!

Teyla: Ok! You two! Line up behind this line. Good. On your marks, get set… GOAT!

The two make a false start.

Sheppard: Huh?

Teyla: I never said "go." I said "goat."

Michael: Teyla Emmagan… should have known.

Teyla: Once more boys. On your mark… get set… GO!

The two take off, pushing each other out of the way. They quickly disappear from sight.

Ronon: Hm… I wonder if they know about the elevator.

McKay: Probably not.

Teyla: Good thing we have it then. We can hop in Manila and fly back.

They do just that. They coast in through the cardboard ring and land. They wait for Sheppard.

Weir: Back so soon?

Teyla: Yeah… Michael was being obnoxious again.

Ronon: It was kind of expected actually.

Voice: YEEE HAAAW!

The team looks to the cardboard Stargate. The stage crew is having a hard time keeping the gate up. It doesn't help when Sheppard, in a cardboard Cart, smashes into it. The whole thing comes toppling down.

Manila: Oy vey.

McKay, confused: You're Jewish?

Manila: Sure, why not.

McKay: Um… okay.

Manila: Is there a problem with that?

McKay: I just didn't know that puddleboxes had religions.

Manila: Some do, some don't.

Sheppard, from underneath the gate: I'm okay!

Teyla: Suuuure you are.

McKay: Great Sheppard… now look what you've done!

Sheppard, woozily: What?

McKay: You've destroyed the gate! Now **I** have to go and fix it!

He stomps off.

Ronon: Who put a bug in his pants then?

McKay: Out of the way! Stupid techies…

A black cloud hovers over McKay's head. Literally.

After several minutes of fiddling with the gate, McKay sits back on his heels looking utterly hopeless. A bunch of other scientists gather around him.

The Scientists: _Unhappy... unhappy... very unhappy.  
Unhappy... unhappy...  
Very, very, very, very, very,  
Very, very unhappy._

Engineer: _Oh, I decipher all duh mornin'  
An' I fix stuff all duh eb'nin  
'Til dem devices work right..._

McKay and the Scientists: _'Til dem devices work right!_

McKay: _I spend my life Wraith fighting,  
With weapons and such._

The Scientists: _Unhappy_.

McKay: _Do I like this life exciting?  
It figures, not much._

The Scientists: _Unhappy_.

McKay:_ I have a secret desire  
Hiding deep in my soul  
It sets my heart afire  
To see me in this role…_

The audience leans in. Rodney has a secret desire? Gasp!

McKay: I wanna be...

Unfortunately, we never get to find out what McKay wants to be, because a troop of Genii pop onstage, wearing their grey military uniforms.

Lead Genii Tenor: Oh, no one knows that song! Let's sing the song from "The Producers" that everyone knows!

Random Chorus Member: Or else!

McKay is both miffed and terrified.

Chorus: _The Genii were having trouble,__  
__What a sad, sad story__  
__Needed a new leader to restore__  
__Their former glory__  
__Where, oh, where was he?__  
__Where could that man be?__  
__We looked around and then we found__  
__The man for you and me..._

Ladon runs out onstage and strikes a dramatic pose. The Genii Chorus stares at him blankly. Suddenly, he's not so sure that he's the leader they've been looking for.

Lead Tenor Genii: _And now it's...__  
__Springtime for Kolya and the Genii_

Ladon: Oh sweet lord...

He runs off, for fear of running into and/or being killed by his former commander.

Lead Tenor Genii: _Our land is happy and gay!__  
__We're marching to a faster pace__  
__Look out, or we'll blow up your race!__  
__Springtime for Kolya and the Genii__  
__Madder than he was before!__  
__Springtime for Kolya and the Genii__  
__Watch out, Pegasus,__  
__We're going on tour!__  
__Springtime for Kolya and the Genii..._

Chorus: _Look, it's springtime!_

Lead Tenor Genii: _Winter for Atlantis' crew_

Chorus and Lead Tenor: _Springtime for Kolya and the Genii_

Chorus: _Springtime! Springtime!__  
__Springtime! Springtime!__  
__Springtime! Springtime!__  
__Springtime! Springtime!_

Lead Tenor Genii: _Come on, Genii,__  
__You know what to do! _

All of the Genii break out into a jaunty tap number, with the Lead Tenor in the center. On either side of him are Ladon and the Ghost of Cowen. The Lead tenor taps towards the ghost, then points at him with his cane.

The Ghost of Cowen:_ I thought I could beat the rest, __  
__But it turns out Kolya's the best!_

The Lead Tenor taps to the other side and then points his cane at Ladon, who speaks his piece.

Ladon: _Don't be stupid, just be bright, __  
__Because you can't put up a fight!_

The Genii continue their dancing. The line parts and Sora runs down to the front of the stage and calls out.

Sora: The Commander is coming, the Commander is coming, the Commander is coming!

The Ghost of Cowen: Heil Kolya!

Ladon: Heil Kolya!

Lead Tenor Genii: Heil Kolya!

_Springtime for Kolya and the Genii!_

All: Heil Kolya!

Kolya confidently steps onstage.

Kolya: _Heil... myself,_  
_Heil to me,__  
__Do not doubt__  
__I'm out to bring you to you knees. __  
__Heil myself,__  
__I'm in command.__  
__There's no greater__  
__Dictator in the land! __  
__Everything I do, I do to you! __yes you do!__  
__If you're looking for a war, I can bomb you too!__  
__Heil myself,__  
__Live in fear!__  
__Ev'ry damn Atlantean's end is here!_

Chorus: Hooray!  
_Ev'ry damn Atlantean... _

Kolya: Heil myself!

Chorus:_ Ev'ry damn Atlantean..._

Kolya: _Heil myself!_

Chorus: _Ev'ry damn Atlantean..._

Kolya: _...live in fear!_

Chorus: _The Commander is causing a stir!__  
__He's got those 'Lanteans on the run,__  
__With weapons, he's second to none! __  
__The Commander is causing a stir.__  
__They can't say no to his demands,__  
__They're freaking out in foreign lands,__  
__He's got the whole world in his hands,__  
__The Commander is causing a stir! _

_Oooh… ooh… ooh!_

Kolya:_ I was just a lowly soldier_  
_No one much less grander__  
__Got a phone call from Chief Cowen,__  
__Told me I was Commander.__  
__The Genii were blue__  
__What, oh, what to do?__  
__Those in my path,__  
__Don't stand a chance,__  
__Now our land's smiling through! _

_It ain't no myst'ry,__  
__If it's politics or hist'ry,__  
__The thing you gotta know is,__  
__Ev'rything is show biz... __  
__Heil myself,__  
__Watch my show,__  
__'Cause the Genii can't be denied, __  
__Dontcha know __  
__We are crossing borders,__  
__The new world order is here!__  
__Make a great big smile__  
__No one can be hostile to me,__  
__Wonderful me!__  
__And now it's... _

Chorus: _Springtime for Kolya and the Genii!__  
__First step's their last step today __  
__Bombs falling from the skies again, (bomb sound effects)__  
__Genii are on the rise again!_

Kolya and Chorus: _Springtime for Kolya and the Genii,__  
__Spying and intrigue some more,__  
__Springtime for Kolya and the Genii._

Kolya: _Means that..._

Chorus: _Soon we'll be going..._

Kolya: _We've got to be going..._

Chorus: _You know we'll be going..._

Kolya: _You bet we'll be going..._

Kolya and Chorus: _You know we'll be going to war!_

Sheppard: Okay… here's something I've been meaning to ask you since you started.

Kolya: Yes?

Sheppard: Where'd you come from?

Kolya: Thin air.

McKay: Haha. Very funny.

Kolya looks at him seriously.

McKay: Oh… you're not kidding then…

Sheppard: Well since you've terribly upset the stage crew could you please go back to your thin air?

Kolya: Oh really? We're sorry…

Team: Huh? You're sorry?

Kolya: Alas… I have learned the error of my ways. I may look like a scary man, but inside I am compassionate about all living things.

And with that, the Genii disappear back into thin air.

The entire crew of Atlantis starts laughing hysterically. **That** was a story for the ages. No doubt Kolya would return at some later date.

Weir: Wow… that was quite possibly the most unbelievable thing I've ever heard.

Teyla: **That** was almost worse than Michael's stupidity.

Ronon: I don't know… I think they were pretty equal.

McKay: Oh by the way Sheppard, did you know Manila's religious?

Dead silence.

McKay: Bad timing?

Sheppard, nodding: Yeah… just a bit. You need to work on that.

McKay: Thanks, but seriously.

Sheppard: Really? What religion is—

Kolya: Well you know we still like…

Sheppard: You too! Go away! You have horrible timing too!

Kolya: Oh… okay.

He disappears again.

Ronon: You were saying McKay?

McKay: Right… umm, Manila's Jewish.

Sheppard: Cool!

Teyla: Does she have any of those super-religious feelings about things?

Sheppard: I hope not… I mean she **is** a puddlebox even so… she needs to be able to fight and kill without worrying.

Teyla: Call her then.

Sheppard: MANILA, DARLING!

Manila zooms in and Sheppard pets her like a good puppy.

Manila: Yes?

Sheppard: How do you feel about nukes?

Manila: Well I—

Kolya: **We **like nukes, don't we boys?

The rest of the Genii pop out of nowhere again and the music starts.

The Genii then break into a highly choreographed musical number. They start, sitting down at tables, pounding them with their fists to the beat of the song.

Genii: _Is it worth the waiting for?  
Build bombs to settle the score,  
All we ever use is gu-uuns!  
Ev'ry day we say our prayer --  
Will they change weapons of fare?  
Still we use the same old gu-uuns!_

The stand up and begin to march across the stage, looking quite glum. AT-1 skitters out of the way.

Genii: _There is not a bomb, no grenade can we find,  
Can we beg, can we borrow, or cadge,  
But there's nothing to stop us from getting a thrill  
When we all close our eyes and imaaaag... ine…_

They throw their arms out wide and spin around in their gleeful dreaming.

Genii: _Nukes, glorious nukes!  
Weapons of mass destruction!  
While we're in the mood –  
Speed up the production!  
Explosions and mushroom clouds!  
And nuke testing stations,  
All scientists have it, boys --  
Ra-di-ation!_

McKay suddenly goes wide-eyed and he runs off to find a radiation meter. 

Nukes, glorious nukes!  
We're anxious to test it.  
On someone we find  
Spend our time obsessed with it!  
Just picture an explosion--  
Ten megatons huge,  
Oh, nukes,  
Wonderful nukes,  
Marvelous nukes,  
Glorious nukes!

Nukes, glorious nukes!  
What is there more handsome?  
Mess with us, you're screwed--  
Still worth a king's ransom.  
Here's something to think about,  
Don't mess with the Genii,  
Or we'll make a mushroom cloud  
Six miles high!

Nukes, glorious nukes!  
Our powerful debut.  
Just let the bombs fly  
Watch the death and then you  
Work up a new vicious plan.  
In this interlude --  
The nukes,  
Once again, nukes  
Fabulous nukes,  
Glorious nukes.

Nukes, glorious nukes!  
Don't care what it looks like –  
Bad! Unfinished! Crude!  
Just care what it blows up like!  
Just thinking of their demise,  
Sends enemies reeling  
Watch out or we'll send a bomb  
Through your ceiling!

Nukes, glorious nukes!  
What wouldn't we give for  
That uranium--  
That's all that we live for  
Why should we be fated to  
Do nothing but brood  
On nukes,  
Magical nukes,  
Wonderful nukes,  
Marvelous nukes,  
Fabulous nukes,  
Beautiful nukes, 

_Glorious… nuuuuukes!_

Sheppard: Wow… what the hell?

Weir: No kidding.

Kolya: To show our devotion to nukes, we're going to steal all of your naquada and uranium and give you this faulty nuke. Have fun!

Kolya and his band of Genii disappear in a flash and all the nuke making materials on the base disappears.

McKay: I knew that whole thing about realizing his mistakes was a load of cr-

Weir: McKay!

McKay, cringing: Crud.

Ronon: Figures.

Teyla: Stupid alien incursionists.

Team: Yeah…

Weir: Don't worry, we have one incursionist to go.

Team: WHAT!?

Sheppard: Haven't we had enough incursions for one day?

Seanait: Nope.

Nightpheonix: Definitely not!

Ronon: Where did you two come from?

Both: Thin air.

Sheppard: Ah, that's good. Are you guys and the Genii getting along out there?

Nightpheonix: Quite well actually. They're in their cages and we're laughing at them.

The team pales. Cages? Yikes…!

Seanait: Don't worry. Only bad fictional characters go into the cages.

The writers glare at John. He gulps.

The Writers: Toodle-loo!

They disappear in a flash of light.

Weir: God, they're like Ancients… flashing in and out of here.

The team starts chuckling.

Weir: What?

Sheppard, grinning: Flashing? Right doc?

Beckett walks out on stage followed meekly by Zelenka.

Beckett: Right… flashing. Remember Zelenka?

Zelenka: Mhmhm…

Beckett: What's wrong with him?

McKay: He's not allowed to speak… there is no Zelenka part this musical. He um…

Sheppard: Forfeit his part?

McKay: Yes, that's it.

Beckett: How?

Team: By flashing!

They start cracking up. Beckett looks very confused. He thinks he's gonna have to check them again for brain damage.

Sheppard: Ancients flashing!

A huge flash of white light appears in onstage. Everyone covers their eyes.

Ancients: You called?

McKay: What the…?

Ancients: We want our city back. Be gone pesky little humans.

Weir: Wait a second; don't we get some kind of an explanation first before you banish us? I mean, we did watch over your city for a short time.

The Ancients sigh.

Ancient: I am Zero. I will give you your explanation as to why we want Atlantis back.

The Ancients make room for Zero and a fiddle starts off somewhere, high above.

Zero: Ah… a fiddler on the roof. Sounds crazy, no? But in our little city of Atlantis, you might say, every one of us was a fiddler on the roof, trying to scratch out a pleasant simple tune without breaking his neck. It wasn't easy… (those spires are high!) You might ask: why did we come back if it was so dangerous? We came back 'cause Atlantis is our home. And how did we keep our balance? **That** I can tell you in one word: **tradition!**

All Ancients, raised arms: _Tradition, tradition! Tradition!  
Tradition, tradition! Tradition!_

Zero: Because of our traditions, we kept the balance for many years. Here in Atlantis, we had our traditions for everything: how to eat, how to sleep, how to work, even how to wear clothes. For instance, we always keep our minds covered – we wear these little toupees. This showed our constant devotion to science. You might ask: how did this tradition get started? I'll tell you… I don't know, but it was a tradition! Because of our traditions, everyone here knew who he was and what positions he was expected to do!

Men: _Who, day and night, must scramble for a living,  
Feed a wife and children, kill his daily Wraith?  
And who had the sense, as leaders of the place,  
To decide to come back home again?_

All: _The fathers, the fathers! Tradition!  
The fathers, the fathers! Tradition!_

Women: _Who must know the way to find our lost home,  
Our quiet home, our ocean home?  
Who must raise the family and run the labs,  
So we're all free to go fight the Wraith?_

All: _The mothers, the mothers! Tradition!  
The mothers, the mothers! Tradition!_

Young men: _At three, I started Ancient school. At ten, I learned to fight.  
I hear they've picked a job for me. I hope… it's a good one!  
_  
All: _The sons, the sons! Tradition!  
The sons, the sons! Tradition!_

Young women: _And who does mother teach to fight and heal and concoct?  
Preparing me to grow up to live another day?_

All: _The daughters, the daughters! Tradition!  
The daughters, the daughters! Tradition!_

All repeat their own parts together.

Men: _The papas!_

Women: _The mamas!_

Young men: _The sons!_

Young women: _The daughters!_

All: _Tradition!_

All: _The papas/the mamas/the sons/the daughters!_

_Tradition!_

Zero: And in the circle of our little city, we've always had our many special types! For instance, Yenta the Matchmaker!

Yenta: Ares, I have the perfect match for your son! A wonderful girl!

Ares: Who is it?

Yenta: Rukle, the Prime Minister's daughter.

Ares: Rukle? She can hardly see, she's a half dead Wraith!

Yenta: To tell the truth Ares is your son so much to look at? The way she sees and the way he looks, it's a perfect match!

Zero: And we have Nocham the Ascended!

(heavenly music plays quickly)

Nocham: Questions for the Ascendant? Questions for the Ascendant?

Zero, pleading: Ask Nocham for one enlightened answer.

Nocham: One question? Last week you asked me two questions!

Questioner: I had a bad week.

Nocham: So, if you had a bad week, why should I suffer?

Zero: And most important, our beloved scientist.

Man: Scientist, may I ask you question?

Scientist: Certainly young grasshopper.

Man: Is there a proper ritual for wraith explosions?

Scientist: A ritual for wraith death? Of course!

They go to pray.

Scientist:_ May our weapons destroy the Wraith_… far away from us!

Zero: Among ourselves, we've always gotten along perfectly well. Of course there was the time **he** sold him a galaxy ship, but delivered a puddlejumper, but that's all settled. Then we lived in simple peace and harmony!

**He**: It **was** a galaxy ship!

Him: It was a puddlejumper!

**He**: It was a ship!

Him: It was a 'jumper I tell you!

People start joining sides and the two men are lost in the shouting crowd.

**He**: It was a **ship!**

Him crowd: It was a 'jumper!!

**He** crowd: It was a ship!

It descends into verbal mayhem.

**He** crowd: SHIP!

Him crowd: 'JUMPER!

**He** crowd: SHIP!

Him crowd: 'JUMPER!

**He** crowd: SHIP!

Him crowd: 'JUMPER!

**He** crowd: SHIP!

Him crowd: 'JUMPER!

All: _Tradition! Tradition! _

_Tradition! TRADITION!_

The music dies a little and goes to a simple snapping pattern as the Ancients disperse, leaving Zero behind.

Zero: Tradition… tradition! Without our traditions, our lives would have been as shaky as… as… as a fiddler on the roof!

The music dies with a triumphant "Ha!" from Zero. Everyone is staring at Zero with a slack-jawed face. No one knows what to do or say.

McKay: Ooooooo-kay…?

And the curtain falls.

* * *

hi again! was it good???? well? well? please tell us what you thought!!! if you do, there are more iFeasts in store for you!!! 

oh and Athena's Owl, that first song from Act Three is "Greased Lightning" from _Grease_...

see y'all next time!!!!!


	7. Act 5

HELLO! and sorry for the wait... I don't even want to know how long its been... my partner in crime has abandoned me (i think) for the summer...(_sigh_) anyway, i have brought you a brand spanking new act!! i know season 3 was a long time ago, but remember replicators and city flies away! okay, and on with the show!

**atlantian** - man, i loved your review! of course the reviewers are why we have six acts... and we'd defend ourselves with keyboards and the like! thanks!  
**fififolle** - oh yes, SIX acts! the characters hate me right now... and i'm glad you enjoyed the last act! it was fun to write!  
**highonstargate** - hello, you're new to me! welcome to madness!! as you see, many of my updates are super late, but i hope you stick with it!  
**Athena's Owl** - lol, maybe some day we will have a christmas special! (when i get back on track...) hope to see ya soon!!  
**sparklyshimmer2010** - ah, so u and eri **are** one and the same! sweet! i'm glad you enjoyed it even tho you dont know many of the songs...

Thanks to you all! I blame my lack of writing on college prep and such... getting ready to go to college is SUCH a hassle!! i hate it. but this makes me feel a little better!! And now, drum roll please! (_drum roll_) Act 5!

* * *

Act 5

Still shocked from the end of Act 4 and the Broadway singing Ancients, AT-1 is still standing around star-struck.

Sheppard: What the--?

McKay: Yep… that was damn weird.

Ronon and Teyla are slack-jawed. Their image of the Ancestors has just been ruined.

Teyla: Wha… what?!

Ronon: Since when do the Ancestors sing?

Sheppard: Apparently since when Zero took over… like 10,000 years ago.

McKay: Oy.

Beckett: HELLO!

Everyone jumps.

McKay: What?

Beckett: I need some help here; I think I got an exploding tumor.

Sheppard and McKay: An exploding _**what**_?

Beckett: TUMOR!

AT-1 starts to chuckle.

Ronon: That's possibly one of the funniest things I've heard all day. Can I see it?

He runs off to poke at the tumor… so does Teyla who is intrigued.

McKay: That's great! An exploding tumor! I love it!

Sheppard: I know!!

Suddenly we hear an explosion.

Beckett: Damn it!

Ghost Beckett floats to McKay and Sheppard. Teyla and Ronon come back too, looking a little charred.

Sheppard: Hey doc, I can see right through ya.

Ghost Beckett, dryly: You don't say?

McKay, taking in the situation: What happened to you guys?

Beckett: Ronon poked the tumor.

Ronon: It went BOOM!

Sheppard, also dryly: No kidding.

McKay: There's a **reason** he said it was an _**exploding**_ tumor. You're not supposed to poke it!

Teyla: It was cool though.

McKay sighs.

Ghost Beckett: Well, I gotta float on. See you all later!

He waves and everyone waves back.

Nightpheonix, waving serenely: God, I'll miss him.

Seanait: He comes back…

Nightpheonix: I know, but I'll still miss him.

Seanait: I know.

Sheppard: AH! Where'd you two come from?

Seanait and Nightpheonix: Thin air.

McKay: Oh, don't start that again!

The writers grin and Rodney gulps.

Sheppard: Soo… what's the theme for this act?

The writers look at each other confused.

Seanait: Umm…

Nightpheonix: Yeah…

McKay: You forgot, didn't you!

Seanait: Yeah sort of…

Nightpheonix: Yeah… definitely.

Seanait, agreeing: Yeah, definitely forgot.

AT-1: Come on!

Seanait, shrugs: Guess you'll just have to make it up as you go along!

Nightpheonix: You guys are good at it… and so are we!

They grin again.

Nightpheonix: The only restraints are that Beckett's dead…

Beckett's voice: Am not!

NP, looking annoyed: Beckett's **dead**…

Beckett's voice: I'm gettin' better!

We hear a muted thud in the heavens and a slight chuckle.

NP: Beckett's dead, the Replicators are gonna attack, and the city's gonna fly away.

Seanait: This all has to happen in the next two acts – this one and the next one. Oh yeah… and Rodney might croak.

McKay: MIGHT!?

Ronon: Cool.

McKay, raging: NO! NOT cool! I'm gonna die!!

Seanait: QUIET!

Everyone goes silent.

Seanait: I said **might** die, emphasis on the "might."

McKay starts to protest, but Sheppard clamps a hand over his mouth.

Nightpheonix: Man, your lives sound pretty crummy right now.

Seanait, looking mildly surprised: Yeah, it kinda does suck.

Both writers: Good luck!

They slip back into thin air.

McKay: This stinks.

He sulks. The team exchange secret smiles.

Sheppard: Oh, McKaaa-aaay…

McKay, through gritted teeth: What?

Sheppard begins to sing sweetly: _The sun will come out… tomorrow…_

McKay: No! NO!  
Sheppard: _Bet your bottom dollar  
That tomorrow, there'll be sun…  
_McKay: Stop! Anything but that!  
Sheppard: _Jus' thinkin' about, tomorrow  
Clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow,  
'Til there's none._

_  
_McKay: LALALALALA! I can't hear youuuuuu!  
Weir steps up and joins Sheppard, putting in her own solo.

Weir: _When I'm stuck with the day that's gray and lonely  
I just stick out my chin and grin and say, ohhh_…  
Sheppard and Weir: _The sun will come out, tomorrow  
So you gotta hang on 'til tomorrow  
Come what may...  
__  
_Sheppard, in an incredibly high little girl voice: _Tomorrow, tomorrow  
I love ya, tomorrow!  
You're always a day away!_  
Rodney takes his fingers out of his ears and stares strangely at the colonel.

McKay: Jesus, that was high! Are you sure you're not a eunuch?

Sheppard responds by taking a lemon out of his jacket pocket, pegging it at McKay, who runs offstage screaming in a little girl voice to surpass Sheppard's. John and Elizabeth continue, now accompanied by Ronon and Teyla.

Sheppard, Weir, Ronon, and Teyla: _The sun will come out, tomorrow  
So you gotta hang on 'til tomorrow  
Come what maaaaaaaaay..._  
The entire cast (excepting McKay) steps out onstage and joins in a massive, Broadway-style finale.

All: _Tomorrow, tomorrow  
I love ya, tomorrow!  
You're always a day away.  
Tomorrow, tomorrow  
I love ya, tomorrow!  
You're always a daaaaaay…  
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!  
_The audience erupts. There's a standing ovation given and the crew, except McKay, bows, beaming triumphantly. They've successfully pissed off McKay.  
Sheppard: That was fun!

Teyla: Most breathtaking!

Ronon: And very satisfying.

Weir: No, **deeply** satisfying. Now, where's McKay?

The audience settles down.

Audience member: I think he went that way!

The team trots in the direction of the audience member's finger and they goes through several new backdrops.

Sheppard: Wow, these are new.

Weir: McKay must be deep in the bowels of Atlantis.

They come across a secret lab and before they can open the door, a blue light flashes inside.

The door opens with a sigh and Zelenka strolls out, rolling his eyes.

Zelenka: Oh, hello Doctor Weir.

Weir: What on Atlantis just happened in there?

Zelenka: Well, McKay zapped himself… again. Dumb fool. What else is new?

Zelenka starts to go off into what exactly went wrong in their calculations and how Rodney just pressed a button. Suddenly, Zelenka lets out an abrupt sound.

Zelenka: Meep!

He covers his mouth.

Seanait's voice: Remember, you lost your part Zelenka!

NP's voice: You don't know any of this!

Both writers: Now behave!

Zelenka, sighing: I don't know what happened; he just blew himself up again…

Zelenka walks off, swearing in Czech. He gets zapped by a lightning bolt and he takes off running.

Sheppard, thoughtfully: Never piss off the writers.

The team: Amen.

AT-1 and Weir go through the door to find Rodney on the ground, on his back. He looks a little crispy.

McKay: I'm good. I'm OK.

Ronon: Uh huh… that's why you're on your back, right?

McKay: Right.

Sheppard and Ronon help McKay up.

Teyla: How do you feel?

McKay flexes some joints.

McKay: Not half bad actually.

Sheppard: "Not half bad"?

McKay glares at him.

McKay: Actually I feel great! I feel like I could fly!

Teyla: Umm… Rodney?

McKay: Yes?

Ronon: Why are you taller than me?

McKay: I… what?

He is floating.

McKay: AHH!

He crashes to the ground.

Sheppard and McKay: WHOA!

Weir: That was very cool, but don't you see this as a **bit** of a problem?

McKay: Uh… nope.

Sheppard: Are you serious?

McKay, floating again: Yup.

Teyla, disbelieving: You… the hypochondriac.

McKay, gleefully: I know!

Ronon pulls him out of the air.

Ronon: Stop that.

McKay: Sorry.

Sheppard: No you're not.

McKay: Would you be?

Silence.

Sheppard: No…

They start walking back through all the backdrops up to Weir's office.

McKay: I kinda feel all-powerful.

Weir: Now don't get deluded.

Ronon: It's too late for that. He might not be able to fit his head through your office door.

Weir, muttering: I know.

Teyla: Why McKay of all people?

Ronon: Why? You jealous?

Teyla: Maybe, but that's not the point. Why McKay? He's insufferable!

Sheppard: And this is different… how?

Rodney is happily bouncing from floor to ceiling in Weir's office.

Teyla: Good point, but this is worse!

Sheppard: Touché.

Ronon and Teyla: Huh?

Sheppard: It's French for "point" and it basically means "good point."

Ronon: So why didn't you just say that?

Sheppard glares at Ronon as he smiles innocently.

Weir: **ANY**way!

Team: Sorry.

McKay reaches for his laptop and it comes sliding over to him. He stares.

McKay: Whoa.

Sheppard: Yeah…!

Weir, thinking: _If we could only get started. I kinda want to know what's inflated Rodney's ego… and what's making him fly._

McKay: Sorry, 'Lizbeth… go ahead.

She stares at him.

Weir: I didn't say anything.

McKay, confused: Yes you did, you just said that you'd like to get on with the conversation.

Ronon: No she didn't.

Teyla: I concur.

Sheppard: She definitely didn't.

Weir: _Can you read my thoughts?_

McKay, weirded out: Did she just say something?

Teyla, Ronon, and Sheppard: Nope.

McKay: WHOA!

Weir: You can read minds too… interesting.

Sheppard: That's cool!

McKay: This is so cool! I feel like going into song!

Weir: What? You can sing now too?

McKay sticks his tongue out at her. A faint drum starts in and Sheppard sighs reluctantly.

Sheppard: I shall impersonate a man.  
Come, enter into my imagination and see him!  
Chubby, hollow-faced, eyes that burn with the fire of inner ego.  
He conceives the strangest project ever imagined...  
To become a physicist  
And sally forth into Atlantis righting all wrongs.  
His name: Rodney McKay of Atlantis!

McKay, all stoic: _Hear me now,  
Oh thou bleak and insufferable world,  
Thou art dumb and debauched as can be;  
And a doc with his banners all bravely unfurled  
Now hurls down his orders to thee!  
I am I, Doctor McKay,  
The Lord of Atlantis,  
My destiny calls and I go,  
And the wild winds of science  
Will carry me onward,  
Oh whithersoever they blow.  
Whithersoever they blow,  
Onward to glory I go! _

Ronon, whispers: **Please** tell me McKay did not say "withersoever."

Teyla: Oh… he did.

Ronon face-palms.

Kavanaugh: _I'm Kavanaugh! Yes, I'm Kavanaugh!  
I'll make my own way until the end.  
I'll tell all the world proudly  
He is stupid! I hate him!_

McKay, shoving Kavanaugh back: _Hear me, Ancients and Wraith  
And serpents of sin!  
All your dastardly doings are past;  
For an awesome exper'ment is now to begin  
And McKay shall triumph at last! _

Weir, quietly: "Dastardly"?

Sheppard: He is having **waaay** too much fun with this!  
Suddenly, McKay and Kavanaugh begin a musical struggle – they are both singing at the same time… almost in counterpoint. The team watches in fear.

McKay: _I am I, Doctor McKay,  
The Lord of Atlantis,  
My destiny calls and I go,  
And the wild winds of science  
Shall carry me onward,  
Oh whithersoever they blow!  
_

Kavanaugh: _I'm Kavanaugh! Yes, I'm Kavanaugh!  
I'll make my own until the end.  
I'll tell all the world proudly  
McKay is stupid! I hate him! _

McKay and Kavanaugh: _Whithersoever they blow,  
Onward to glory __**I**__ go!_

Sheppard, quietly: Oy… talk about ego! McKay as Don Quixote...!

Weir: Feel that testosterone flowing!

McKay and Kavanaugh open up into a fist fight.

McKay: I can totally kick your ass in spatial physics!

Kavanaugh: Oh yeah? Well that can't compare to my specialty in string theory!

McKay, snorts: You call that a specialty? My three year old cousin can "specialize" in 'string theory' better than you! Especially since its called "M Theory" now!

Kavanaugh lets loose a gay gasp and McKay throws a right hook. Teyla steps in quickly and raps them both on the head with her sticks.

McKay: Ow! What was that for?

Teyla: Swearing.

She hits Kavanaugh twice more.

Kavanaugh: Watch it girl!

Teyla: And **that** was for threatening to blow the place up AND coming back to life!

Ronon steps up to Kavanaugh menacingly and Kavanaugh faints.

Weir: Finally! Someone dispose of him, would ya?

The audience cheers quickly.

Zelenka comes barreling into Weir's office.

Zelenka: Doctor Weir, I have—what happened?

Weir: Rodney sang, Kavanaugh reappeared and sang, they got into a fist fight, Teyla smacked them both over the head, and Kavanaugh fainted. We're removing him now.

Zelenka: Oh.

Sheppard: So, what was the news?

Zelenka: OH! Um, I… we need your help. We think Rodney may be dying!

AT-1: WOOHOO!

McKay: Hey! Stop that!

Chuck the gate tech: Hey, the Replicators are coming.

All: WHAT!?

Sheppard, glaring skyward: That's not supposed to happen!

Poof.

Seanait: Yeah, well, you were taking too long.

NP: Besides, this makes it more interesting! Two crises! Or is it crisises?

Seanait: Maybe it's crisi!

NP: Not **that** again!

They disappear into thin air.

McKay: Man, I feel like crap.

Manila whizzes by and bops McKay on the head.

Manila: You swearer!

She zooms off.

Everyone kinda stares in silence. What the heck was going on here?!

Chuck coughs.

Chuck: So… the Replicators are coming…

Zelenka: And Rodney… I mean, Dr. McKay… is dying.

Sheppard: Wow. This sucks.

Weir: How so?

Sheppard: Well, the Replicators are coming, which sucks all on its own and we'll probably need McKay to help fix the problem, but he's dying.

McKay, very pale: Yup…

He drops to the ground.

Sheppard: Great! Zelenka, what's wrong with him?

Zelenka goes to open his mouth, but nothing comes out. He lost his part.

Zelenka, sulking: I can't help you…

Sheppard appeals to the authors.

Sheppard: Come on! We kinda need help on this one! Zelenka's the only one that knows what's going on!

Authors: Nope.

Weir: Please?

Authors: Nope.

Seanait, thoughtfully: You know…

Nightpheonix: Yes…?

Chuck: Um, Replicators are attacking.

Authors: Don't interrupt!

Seanait: We're having a thoughtful conversation!

Chuck scampers off.

NP: Anyway, yes…?

Seanait: Zelenka could play Charades… that might be pretty funny.

NP: Yes, that would be ok.

The Authors: Go!

Zelenka signs for one word.

AT-1 and Weir: One word.

Zelenka signs for six letters.

Team: Six letters.

Zelenka wiggles his fingers, palms down, while lifting his hand up.

Weir: Jellyfish!

Ronon: Wraith wisp!

Teyla: Ghost!

Sheppard: Yo-yo!

McKay: Ascend…

Zelenka points and nods fervently at McKay.

McKay: I have to ascend… wait, you've got to be kidding me!

Zelenka: Nope.

McKay: Great… oh by the way, while you were all guessing stuff, I created a new math.

BOOM!

Weir: What was that?!

Chuck: Replicators!!

They all run to the Control Room. McKay collapses on the way over.

Sheppard and Teyla go back for him.

Ronon: Leave him! He's gotta ascend by himself!

Sheppard: He's dead…

They run to the Control Room.

The Authors: Get Weir away from the windows!!

AT-1: Why?

Authors: Spoilers! Can't tell you!

Weir has gone to look at the giant laser.

Weir: Ooh… pretty!

Sheppard: The shield's up then because we haven't been decimated yet.

McKay, weakly: You know decimated means 'reduced by 1/10'.

AT-1, with varying degrees of excitedness: You're alive!

McKay, smiling: The Ancients didn't want me.

Zero: We didn't want his sorry ass.

Sheppard: Good, because we need it.

Zero disappears.

McKay: What's with the giant laser?

Teyla: Replicators.

McKay: Okay… what's Weir doing over by the window?

Ronon: She thinks it's pretty.

McKay, quietly: Oh…

Sheppard: Yeah.

Teyla goes over to talk to Weir while the "menfolk" straighten things out.

Teyla: It seems no-one knows the ways of a gentleman anymore, does it not?

Weir: Very true.

She sighs.

Weir: I bet Rodney does though!

Teyla: Dr. McKay?

Weir: Sure!

They seek him out.

Weir: Here, Rodney, have you seen the way the 'quality gentlemen' treat their ladies?

McKay, indignantly: Of course, I have!

Weir: Shall we show 'em how it's done?

McKay: Umm… okay…

Sheppard: Oh, come on, Rodney; give us a free show on the stage!

Weir: All right, all right, 'ow does it go now, Rodney? It's all bowin' and 'ats off and…

McKay: And "don't let your coat dangle in the mud."

Weir: And I'll go last.

McKay: No, no, I'll go last.

Weir, raising her voice: I'll go last.

McKay whimpers.

McKay: _I'd do anything,  
__For you, Weir, anything,  
__For you mean ev'rything to me.  
__I know that  
__I'd go anywhere,  
__On your orders, anywhere,  
__For your orders, ev'rywhere I'd see._

Weir: _Would you climb a hill?  
_McKay: _Most any day!  
_Weir: _Wear a daffodil?  
_McKay: _Anything!  
_Weir: _Leave me all your will?  
_McKay: _Anything!  
_Weir: _Even fight my Simon?  
_McKay: _What? Hand to hand?  
__I'd risk ev'rything,  
__For one kiss -- ev'rything._

Sheppard to Ronon: Did he really just say that?

Ronon: I really hope not.

McKay: _Yes, I'd do anything!  
_Weir: _Anything?  
_McKay: _Anything for you!_

Weir: Ronon, you do everything you saw 'im do, and I'll tell you all the words you don't know, alright?

Ronon growls and Sheppard laughs.

Sheppard: Oh go on… go impress Teyla.

Ronon: _I'd do anything  
_Weir, spoken: For you, dear,  
Ronon:_ For you, Teyla, anything  
_Weir, spoken: For you mean…  
Ronon: _For you mean everything to me.  
__I know that  
__I'd go anywhere,  
__For your smile, anywhere,  
__For your charms ev'rywhere I'd see_

Teyla: _Would you lace my shoe?  
_Ronon: _Anything!  
_Teyla: _Paint a Wraith bright blue?  
_Ronon, sighs: _Anything!  
_Teyla: _Catch a kangaroo?  
_Ronon, puzzled: Umm… _anything!  
_Teyla: _Go to Olesia?  
_Ronon: _And back again!  
__I'd risk ev'rything  
__For one kiss -- ev'rything --  
__Yes, I'd do anything  
_Teyla: _Anything?  
_Ronon: _Anything for you!_

They all dance back and forth. Sheppard gets up and starts to dance with Chuck. They happily cavort around.

McKay: Come on, Elizabeth!

Weir: Would you help a cop?

All: _Anytime!_

Weir: Would you risk the drop?

All: _Anything!_

Weir: Though your eyes go "pop"?

All: _Anything!_

McKay: Umm maybe!

Weir: When you come down plop?

All: _Hang ev'rything!  
__We'd risk life and limb  
__To keep Atlantis in the swim.  
__Yes, we'd do anything!  
_Weir: Anything?  
All: _Anything for you!_

Chuck, hushed to Sheppard: Is she drunk… again?

Sheppard: I'm afraid so. She seems… a bit woozy again.

Chuck: Hmm…

A computer beeps… and Chuck miraculously hears it through the crowd's applause.

Chuck: Umm, sorry, but power levels are dropping. We ain't gonna last the night.

Weir: Crud, what do we do?

McKay, shrugging: I don't know… end the act?

Stage manager, offstage: Great idea!

The curtain comes flying down.

Thud!

McKay, moaning: Oww…

* * *

and that my friends is the end of act 5! with a little Oliver to end the act! one more act left and then Season 4! hope you enjoyed it! Act 6 should be out by the beginning of Season 5 (WOOHOO!!) Until then, toodle-oo!


End file.
